My review of Derek

Wow this one really is hot off the presses, this time I thought I would write about a TV show, I haven’t specifically reviewed an episode of something before, so this is all new and strange to me, like going to Guantanamo Bay, but without the human rights violations. Anyway, I thought I’d let you know what I thought about Ricky Gervais’s latest television project Derek.

I first saw this Gervais character in a short film that he made a while back. The character was a little different back then, he was religious and had ambitions of being a stand up comedian, he also lived at home with his mother. But with this new show, Gervais has branched out slightly and now Derek is an employee in a retirement home. First things first then, I know he will receive a lot of flack for this show due to the fact that Derek appears to be slightly mentally challenged. However having watched the first episode it is never explicitly said that there is anything wrong with him, and instead I just got the impression that he is slightly socially inept and just a little strange, but he still has a brain and he is still able to interact with people properly.

So what of the people he interacts with? Well firstly there are the numerous residents of the old people’s home that Derek works in, who he seems to genuinely care for. Then there is Hannah played by Kerry Goldiman who Derek clearly harbours feelings for, but doesn’t quite seem to understand them. Then of course there is the character of Douglass played by Karl Pilkington, who basically doesn’t have to act, as the character is essentially Karl. Whilst this really isn’t as funny as Gervais’s other work by quite a long shot, I did enjoy it. Numerous times in his career Gervais has shown that he knows how to evoke sympathy in his characters, he at times makes them annoying to add to the comedy element, but they always seem to have a good heart, such as David Brent, who was just misguided and a bit of a prat, but still a nice guy. That’s what I felt with Derek, forget the fact that he may be mentally disabled, he is a sweet man, and I was genuinely touched by his reaction to the death of one of the old people in the home.

Again I will say this isn’t his best work, for me that’s The Office, but to be fair that’s very hard to top. It really does bug me the amount of criticism Gervais gets, people really do seem to get very jealous of his success. I have read so many reviews of his work with people saying, I wanted to find this funny, or Gervais isn’t funny anymore and should stop doing the same jokes. Will you just go away, it’s so bloody easy to criticise and people really seem to enjoy doing it. Gervais hasn’t changed, he was always slightly smug, but that’s part of the act, and as for using the same jokes, well if it aint broke don’t fix it. Actually I bet you are the same twats who criticised Extra’s for being different aren’t you, make up your minds!

Never mind that anyway, I enjoyed Derek, I thought it was a good attempt from Gervais and I don’t think he was having a go at the disabled in the slightest. He has done some stupid stuff, like using the word mong, but this show doesn’t equate to that, it had thought and it had heart. I don’t think it will be a series, but I look forward to the next episode at least and I think you should too, if you want to stay friends.

The Hunger Games Review!

Ok, I am going to actually try and write something proper here, so all aboard the movie review ship, next stop, fame, bitches and some green!

In what must already be one of the biggest movie successes of the year The Hunger Games is currently topping all of the box offices and has gained several good reviews from fans and critics alike. As I write this it currently has a 7.7/10 rating on IMDB and 85% on Rottentomatoes, not too shabby eh and my first impressions after having seen the film would leave me inclined to agree with these lofty ratings.

I will start by saying that I haven’t as yet read the book series, and so I went into this movie completely unaware of the storyline and any of the characters, bar what I had guessed from seeing the trailers and reading about the actors etc. At first this seemed to be a problem as I couldn’t quite grasp why the children were picked to be part of the Hunger Games, but I gathered that it was a way for the government to exert their power over the peasant classes, something which as a history student reminds me of so very many dull lectures. Other than that little side note the story isn’t difficult to grasp and you are unlikely to get lost as to what is going on.

The basic premise (of the film that is, I am sure a lot more is explained in the book) is that in a post - apocalyptic world you have one capital city populated by a plethora of extremely odd and extravagant people.  Then you have twelve separate districts populated by a lower class who are regularly forced to throw their names into the hat for the Hunger Games, which is an annual event that see’s 24 children between 12 and 18 fight to the death. The more these starving people are in need of food, the bigger the chance they are picked. The story itself follows Katniss Everdeen, who is played by the stupidly hot Jennifer Lawrence, who after seeing her 12 year old sister get picked for the Hunger Games volunteers to take her place in order to save her. There you go; I won’t reveal much more of the plot because that kind of defeats the point.

So what about the film? Well, as I said the film is pretty solid, I was on the edge of my seat for most of it and I genuinely wanted to know what was going to happen next. I found it engaging and exciting. However you can sense a but coming here cant you?

The problem with this movie is that it’s just too damn compressed. I am aware that it must be really difficult to transfer a book to a movie, cutting stuff out and making the story shorter cannot be an easy task. I just felt that had the movie execs allowed maybe half an hour extra onto the film it would have made it so much better. At 2 hours 20 the movie is pretty long, but it still felt like a lot of aspects of the story were left underdeveloped. For instance the character of Woody Harrelson, who when he is first introduced appears to be a surly heavy drinking misanthrope. However as the story progresses that aspect of his character seems to be simply forgotten and he changes completely. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because his character is likeable, but this I imagine is something that is explored in the book a bit more and therefore the movie struggles to take on the responsibility. Still there is good character development in other areas such as the main character Katniss.

Jennifer Lawrence in my opinion does a really good job in this movie, and I am not just biased because she is so damn fine! I thought she embodied the character really well and was able to carry the film considering she was the main focus of the narrative. Other notable performances come from the films male lead Josh Hutcherson as well as Woody Harrelson, despite his lack of character development.

Overall then I would say that this movie has earned the substantial amount of praise that has been thrown its way. I was left wanting more and with another 3 films potentially in the offing I should get what I want. I do also plan to read the books because I am pretty hooked to the story. So yeah, go and watch it, it is worth it, but don’t expect a film that has a definitive conclusion otherwise you will be disappointed.

P.S

I have to say it again, Jennifer Lawrence... damn!

Well look what I found...

Continuing with the posting of stuff nobody will care about, I found this little film scene that I wrote aaaaages ago. It is supposed to be a Zombie film, and this would be the opening scene. It borrows heavily from other Zombie films, so its not exactly unique, and I doubt I will carry on with it as it was more to practice my screenwriting than anything else, but meh here it is anyway. Suppose I should say something funny, ummmmmmm... oh here is one, so like, how can you tell if there has been an elephant in your fridge? A hunter turns up and starts spraying your kitchen with bullets because he wants the ivory! Well fuck you that's the best  I can do.

 [Interior, a small bedroom. A woman gets out of the bed and stands. She pushes her arms up into the air for a full body stretch and yawns. She walks over to the window and opens one curtain without looking outside. In the bed lies a man. He has now stretched out his arms into the space where she was lying.]

Claire: Morning.

[The man makes a grunting noise, he cannot yet muster the strength to speak in his sleepy state.]

Claire: I’m gonna make some tea. Want some?

Richard: Yeah.

[The woman leaves the room, the camera pans around to show the apartment. It is a fair size and just about tidy. A flush is heard in the background. The camera pans back to the bathroom door which opens and the woman emerges scratching her head. Her hair is sticking up in various places in need of a hairbrush. She shuffles into the kitchen. On her feet she wears a pair of Mickey Mouse Slippers. She fills the kettle and puts it on boil. She stands motionless for a few seconds as the kettle begins to make that sound that kettles make. She realises she needs tea bags and sugar. She wanders over to a cupboard. However it is not a traditional kitchen cupboard. It is a full size wardrobe type thing that a person might normally keep coats in. She opens it up and the shelves are stacked with food and other supplies. She grabs a box of tea bags and the sugar. She goes back to the kitchen and gets some mugs out of the dishwasher. She then makes the tea.

Change of scene and we return to the bedroom. The man is now slightly more awake but still in a similar position to how he was before. The camera quickly turns back to the door and the woman re – enters the bedroom. She sits down on the bed and sips her tea. It is still too hot to drink.]

Claire: urgh, I think these tea bags might be off. We are gonna need some more soon.

Richard: Yeah, I’ll probably get some later or something.

[Pause]

We really need to be more careful about use by dates and things.

Claire: Well that’s a bit difficult. Considering how much sodding food we have in there.

Richard: Well yeah but these are kind of strange circumstances don’t you think.

Claire: I find it funny that you care about tea bags. Considering what happened last week.

Richard: Oh God.

[Pause]

Are you still on about that?

Claire: Well, can you blame me?

[Pause]

It was ridiculous.

Richard: I thought you were over that now.

Claire: What gave you that impression?

Richard: Well this is the first time you have said anything since.

Claire: Yes well I’m still annoyed. After Ten years you still don’t know when I’m upset?

Richard: You must be joking? You are harder to read than Lord of The Rings with the words turned upside down.

[Pause. The man chuckles.]

Claire: Why does everything with you have to be a joke?

Richard: Because Michael McIntyre isn’t on the telly anymore.

Claire: You see what I mean.

[Pause]

Just be serious for once. I think this situation warrants it.

Richard: Do you now? [Rhetorical question]

Claire: Well I generally think that what happened comes under the serious category yes.

Richard: Well I can’t afford to think about it too much. Otherwise there is no point.

[The couple continues talking to each other. The camera goes up and leaves the room. It turns to the window and goes out through the glass. It looks at the sun and suddenly turns down to the pavement below. There stand hoards of zombies moaning and stumbling through the streets. The title of the film suddenly smacks into the front of the screen (The Chorus to Pink Floyd’s ‘Goodbye Blue Sky’ plays over flashbacks of the Zombie apocalypse)

Scene ends.

More Poetry Bollocks

I Never Saw Your Face

I never saw your face

You went before I came.

I can’t say that I miss you

You never knew my name.

I know stories of you,

The make me wonder why,

Why I never met you

And why you had to die.

I wonder if you’d like me,

I’d like to think you would.

I have so many questions

I’d ask them if I could.

I hope that you can hear me,

I’m sure you have some too

Wherever you are now,

Let me answer you.

I’m a fairly normal guy

I love to read and write,

I like to watch TV

Right into the night.

You don’t know what that is.

I wish I could explain,

That may not be easy,

You are on another plain.

I don’t know what to say

 I never saw your face,

I wish I could have met you,

Any time or place.

Some serious stuff

So what you may not know is that for two years of university life I studied Creative Writing, and in that time I built up a small body of work. There are a few poems, some short stories, a 10 minute play, I even wrote a scene for a film would you believe. They are mostly shit, but I shall post them anyway. The first two pieces are poems that I submitted for an assignment, I cant remember all the different poetry forms anymore, but I think one of them is meant to be a free verse, which is basically write any way you want, so yeah enjoy them, or else....

Sanctity

Crippled by your sanctity,

It was not your choice to leave.

When will you come back to me?

Pushed towards insanity

 Deprived through bereave

While you only exist in sanctity.

Through dreams I cling desperately

Many questions I weave

Will you ever come back to me?

For fate or for destiny,

You went on that gorgeous eve,

To live a life of sanctity.

On a plain truly heavenly

Too early for me to leave

Maybe you shouldn’t come back to me?

Maybe I can survive with memory

I can live,

 I can believe

That you will exist forever in sanctity.

I sit here for you.

I sit here gazing at your picture,

Not to sound corny – But

Just look,

It’s wonderful

                                                And

You,

You are my embodiment,

You are wonderful.

I sit here and I complain,

You are the guide,

Helping me find the answers,

                                              

I sit here,

Tracing through these torturous  thoughts,

                                             Thinking                                                                                    

What am I doing wrong?

Why couldn’t I see it before ?

                                            Because

I wasn’t looking for it,

You found it for me.

I sit here,

Trapped in my despair,

A soldier in my bunker,

I wait for the next blast.

                                               But

It doesn’t come,

You stopped it...

There was no impact –

                                             You,

You were right!

All I needed to do

 Was sit here,

                                           For,  You.

You see what happens when you create humans God, this is what bloody happens!

Remember when I said I’d write a series of blogs? No? Well piss off then... Just kidding, I am not even going to write a series, but this one will be related to the last blog so it is a series, confused? Good then let us begin.

Now as you my loyal readers will know I have something of a dislike for celebrities, not all of them, I’m mainly talking the type of celebrity that is famous for being famous; the type of person who gets in papers and magazines simply for going to a party or by going to rehab. That does seem to be quite a popular pass time when it comes to celebrities doesn’t it? I recently saw a news story that Lindsay Lohan has been released from prison, I don’t know why she was in there, maybe she sucked off the president and didn’t swallow or something. I am assuming it’s something like that because that is what her career equates to these days.

Lindsay Lohan is the perfect example of the ‘troubled’ celebrity, the thing is I can feel my cynicism boiling again and yes Lindsay I do not believe you. You know how she stays in the public eye? By getting arrested, she then goes to rehab and we aren’t talking real rehab, no, we aren’t talking about what is basically a hospital where you share a room with a 24 year old heroin addict who has intense stomach cramps and paranoid delusions about whether or not toasters are secretly aliens sent from Mars to monitor our brain activity. The type of ‘rehab’ that Lindsay Lohan and co go to is normally some sort of health clinic that probably costs about $4000 a day, that has lots of pools and saunas and plenty of massage, maybe with the occasional meeting about the fact that you shoved a syringe into your anus to get high, but even then you have a lots of kittens purring and nudging you to make sure you are happy. You know how people like the Lohan pay for this sort of shit; I will give you a rundown of how her life functions shall I.

So say she has just left rehab, first port of call is her agent and the conversation goes like this:

Lindsay: ‘hey dude, I’ve just got back from my vacation... I mean rehab, and I need some money for like loads of drugs, are there any modelling agencies who want to take pictures of my hot tits’?

The agent says fuck all because he is dancing around the room thinking about what he is going to spend all his money on. After this of course, Lindsay gets caught driving under the influence of coke or monkey urine or some shit, naturally she gets arrested, but luckily she has was driving right past the annual paparazzi photographer conference so there are plenty of people to take her picture. The next step is to get to call her agent again, the conversation goes as follows.

‘Sup my man, so I’m like totally screwed and they say I might go to prison, can you like get me a lawyer or something so I can just go on vacation... I mean go to rehab again bro?

Once again the agent is laughing all the way to his fucking bank. And there you go that’s how it works, she might do the occasional movie where she plays a stripper (must have been really hard to get into character for that one, hey Lindsay?) but most of the time this is what her life consists of. It’s not just her though, there are loads of other twats that do this, but nobody cares because it’s interesting to watch people fuck up their lives apparently.

The celebrities are bad enough, but the people who actually care are worse, you should all be ashamed, now line up while I smack you all in the face as hard as I bloody can.

This blog is sooooo sexist, seriously ladies do not read it!

I’m honestly not in a bad mood all the time I swear, it’s just there are so many intensely annoying people on this plant, and sadly a large proportion of them are in the world of show business, so it’s practically impossible to avoid hearing about it. Sure you can try and not read things, you can try and avoid certain T.V programmes, but chances are you can’t completely shut yourself off from it all. So anyway I thought I would do a series of blogs about little things celebrities do that piss me off, first off is pregnancy!

 I got reminded of this, this morning when I saw a picture of Jessica Simpson posing nude whilst pregnant, and before you say it, I wasn’t looking for that sort of thing it appeared on a celebrity news story on a non – porn website ok. It was one of those ‘tastefully’ down photos where she had her hand cradling her belly whilst the other cupped her breasts, she didn’t need to be topless to be honest, but hey I’m not a photographer and there is no way I would have wanted to see a pregnant ladies vagina, I haven’t seen one since I was born myself and I don’t plan on seeing one again until I have to.

But anyway, what the fuck is with that crap. It’s not the first celebrity I have seen pose nude whilst holding their pregnant belly. Why are you doing that? I mean I get that being pregnant is a big thing in a woman’s life and I think these pictures are taken to make pregnant women feel good about the way they look, which I also understand. My problem is that celebrities have turned pregnancy and having baby into a career. It seems that getting pregnant is tantamount to say, getting an acting role.

Lets choose an example shall we, I’m going to go with Sonya from Eastenders. Now, she left Eastenders, for some unknown reason, she obviously doesn’t know the rule that once you leave Eastenders you will never get another decent acting job ever! But yeah she left and nobody heard from her for a long time, then, boom she was pregnant, suddenly she was giving interviews and talking about being a mother. My question is, why? Why do magazines and shitty TV programmes assume that anyone would care? The answer is because people in general are absolute FUCKING morons, because people would rather read Hello magazine than an actual book. Speaking of books, you know what comes after Sonya or any other of the numerous celebrity people creators? Books is the answer, they write fucking books about it, we need these books you see, because despite the fact that our species have been having babies for millions of years now, we still know nothing about babies. I use the word book fairly lightly here; I think a good nonfiction book has to have at least something interesting or important to say. But these books contain mothering tips; hey here is a tip, if you don’t know how to look after a child DONT HAVE A FUCKING CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If Myleene fucking class needs to tell you how to look after your children, then I feel sorry for your kids because they will likely inherit your mental retardation.

But what comes after that book, well there is another fucking book, about how you survived post natal depression. Now I am not for one second saying that post natal depression isn’t a serious issue, I am sure that it is horrible. The problem is, I just don’t believe half of these celebrities who claim to have had it. I mean, have you seen the amount of publicity and *cough* money they gain from it? Call me cynical, but fuck them seriously. The books never stop though it seems, next up is how to work and have a child, then how to plan your child’s first birthday party, how to plan the second, how to plan the third... how to plan the seventh which by now is slightly different because your child has developed a modicum of social awareness and will actually give a shit about who is there and what you are doing, you get the idea.

I sincerely thank females for going through labour and helping to preserve our species, it’s just that the species that they are preserving is so incredibly stupid and they maintain a culture that is completely obsessed with bullshit. I am assuming that all this pregnancy garbage is aimed at women, well ok, but seriously women of this world, there is a lot more to life than having babies and being obsessed with celebrities. You have fought for centuries now just to get some sort of equality with men, for God’s sake stop being so bloody stereotypical.

I don’t quite get how I got all of this by just casually seeing one picture in the corner of my screen (again I was not looking for naked pictures of Jessica Simpson ok) but I guess that’s just how my mind works, I see something insignificant and I get pissed off about it... Hold on, that’s not good... fuck!