This blog is sooooo sexist, seriously ladies do not read it!

I’m honestly not in a bad mood all the time I swear, it’s just there are so many intensely annoying people on this plant, and sadly a large proportion of them are in the world of show business, so it’s practically impossible to avoid hearing about it. Sure you can try and not read things, you can try and avoid certain T.V programmes, but chances are you can’t completely shut yourself off from it all. So anyway I thought I would do a series of blogs about little things celebrities do that piss me off, first off is pregnancy!

 I got reminded of this, this morning when I saw a picture of Jessica Simpson posing nude whilst pregnant, and before you say it, I wasn’t looking for that sort of thing it appeared on a celebrity news story on a non – porn website ok. It was one of those ‘tastefully’ down photos where she had her hand cradling her belly whilst the other cupped her breasts, she didn’t need to be topless to be honest, but hey I’m not a photographer and there is no way I would have wanted to see a pregnant ladies vagina, I haven’t seen one since I was born myself and I don’t plan on seeing one again until I have to.

But anyway, what the fuck is with that crap. It’s not the first celebrity I have seen pose nude whilst holding their pregnant belly. Why are you doing that? I mean I get that being pregnant is a big thing in a woman’s life and I think these pictures are taken to make pregnant women feel good about the way they look, which I also understand. My problem is that celebrities have turned pregnancy and having baby into a career. It seems that getting pregnant is tantamount to say, getting an acting role.

Lets choose an example shall we, I’m going to go with Sonya from Eastenders. Now, she left Eastenders, for some unknown reason, she obviously doesn’t know the rule that once you leave Eastenders you will never get another decent acting job ever! But yeah she left and nobody heard from her for a long time, then, boom she was pregnant, suddenly she was giving interviews and talking about being a mother. My question is, why? Why do magazines and shitty TV programmes assume that anyone would care? The answer is because people in general are absolute FUCKING morons, because people would rather read Hello magazine than an actual book. Speaking of books, you know what comes after Sonya or any other of the numerous celebrity people creators? Books is the answer, they write fucking books about it, we need these books you see, because despite the fact that our species have been having babies for millions of years now, we still know nothing about babies. I use the word book fairly lightly here; I think a good nonfiction book has to have at least something interesting or important to say. But these books contain mothering tips; hey here is a tip, if you don’t know how to look after a child DONT HAVE A FUCKING CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If Myleene fucking class needs to tell you how to look after your children, then I feel sorry for your kids because they will likely inherit your mental retardation.

But what comes after that book, well there is another fucking book, about how you survived post natal depression. Now I am not for one second saying that post natal depression isn’t a serious issue, I am sure that it is horrible. The problem is, I just don’t believe half of these celebrities who claim to have had it. I mean, have you seen the amount of publicity and *cough* money they gain from it? Call me cynical, but fuck them seriously. The books never stop though it seems, next up is how to work and have a child, then how to plan your child’s first birthday party, how to plan the second, how to plan the third... how to plan the seventh which by now is slightly different because your child has developed a modicum of social awareness and will actually give a shit about who is there and what you are doing, you get the idea.

I sincerely thank females for going through labour and helping to preserve our species, it’s just that the species that they are preserving is so incredibly stupid and they maintain a culture that is completely obsessed with bullshit. I am assuming that all this pregnancy garbage is aimed at women, well ok, but seriously women of this world, there is a lot more to life than having babies and being obsessed with celebrities. You have fought for centuries now just to get some sort of equality with men, for God’s sake stop being so bloody stereotypical.

I don’t quite get how I got all of this by just casually seeing one picture in the corner of my screen (again I was not looking for naked pictures of Jessica Simpson ok) but I guess that’s just how my mind works, I see something insignificant and I get pissed off about it... Hold on, that’s not good... fuck!

Straight outta Compton yo !!!

Continuing with my theme of posting stuff I wrote for the Uni paper, this is something that I wrote that never got published. That’s journalism for you.

p.s. I have added lots of swears, that’s not the reason it didn’t go in you cockmanglers.

I’m a third year history student and therefore I watch quite a lot of television. And let me tell you, there is nothing else in life that get me riled up to such a degree that I feel like attaching myself to a rocket and firing myself to Mars. This is down to the many terrible TV shows that appear on screen every week, but also often  it’s because of certain individuals who truly annoy me. Either way television never fails to make me to swear quite a lot, fuck, shit, if you don’t get off of my screen I swear to Thor that I will hunt you down and kill you in front of your family, you fucking shit. You get the idea.

First up has to be ‘comedian’ Andy Parsons, despite being a mainstay of ‘Mock the Week’ he just isn’t funny dammit! I mean for goodness sake, can someone please tell him that reading the tabloids and re – telling the stories in a funny voice does not make you a comedian. And I swear if I he does that thing where he walks on to camera nods and doesn’t say anything one more time, I will hit him with something, preferably something large, like a tyre for a monster truck.

Despite being a bit of a geek... oh who am I kidding, I am a massive geek, I do like my sports. But what I don’t like, are sports pundits, It never fails to amaze me just how much they point out the bloody obvious and make it sound like they know what they are talking about because they are ‘experts’ (in inverted commas so large that they practically crush the word!). The main culprits have to be Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson of Match of The Day fame, or Tweedle Dee and Tweedle ‘shut the hell up you impossibly annoying Scottish bellend’ Dee. To use one of their oft used clichés I have run out of words to describe them. Alan Hansen really is the epitome of the bad football pundit. Ask him how to play football and he will go on for days about tactics and how to not be diabolical, without actually telling you that all you need to do is kick a ball into the net. As for Mark Lawrenson, he actually makes my pancreas ache, i’ve never been aware of my pancreas before so bravo Lawrenson you twat.

But the worst, the all out fucking horrible worst has to be Take Me Out. I honestly cannot describe how much I hate this programme. I don’t just hate it because its hip to dislike Saturday evening television. I actually have a moral objection to the concept of the show. We live in a world where we are told not to judge people on appearances, but that its ok to create a television show where one of the main criteria is judging people on appearances. I realise that the idiot women on this show get to see a little video clip of why they should date whichever walking fucking cockmotron comes down that bloody lift. However before this they get an opportunity to turn off their light the moment they see him, without actually finding out what the person is like. Well go fuck yourself if that’s how you live your life seriously, because you aren’t going to find a successful relationship with thinking like that. Everytime I have seen this show, which isn’t often I must admit, such is my pure fucking hatred, the people never click on their ‘dates’, I am assuming this is down to the fact that the guy had a nice arse so you picked him. It doesn’t work like that you fucking orang-utans, it really doesn’t. As for the host of Take Me Out, I at one time thought Paddy Mcguinness was funny, until I saw a bit of this show. The guy is a comedy black hole, he is well suited to Saturday evening T.V. which by association makes him well suited to have his arms ripped off by rhinos and then fed to a hive of bullet ants, whilst Susan Boyle sits on his face.

Ok... breathe... ok, i’m fine now, but seriously my main source of entertainment really can be my main source of annoyance these days. Never mind anyway, Merry Christmas Everybody !!!!!!!

This movie is old now, but who are you to judge you Nazi bastard

Continuing with my theme of simply posting stuff I wrote for the paper, A.K.A. I can’t think of anything to write about just now, so I am just posting stuff that I have already written. Here is the review I did of Johnny English Reborn. ‘I don’t give a fuck, this is what I want to do’, Winston Churchill said that.

Ever wondered what it would be like if Mr Bean was a government spy. Well you need wonder no more; all you have to do is watch Johnny English Reborn – the second instalment in the franchise.

Rowan Atkinson returns as the hapless secret agent Johnny English who since the first movie has been removed from MI7 because of a mysterious mission failure in Mozambique which cause Johnny to twitch every time it is mentioned, but that’s not important just yet.

If you are someone who is going to see this movie or is thinking about it, you should not be expecting what I would deem a great movie. In the sense that the opening scenes have Johnny living as a Buddhist monk in some sort of mountain temple, the opening few minutes of the movie simply consist as a series of strength tests that Johnny has to go through, including pulling a rock along the ground with his testicles. Something I’m sure all Buddhists have to go through at one point on their way to achieving spiritual Nirvana. Despite the ridiculousness of this, I laughed, I’m not ashamed to admit that seeing Rowan Atkinson perform such a feat was amusing to me. You won’t see him winning any Oscars for it, but hey this is not a true film buffs film.

The rest of the movie follows on a similar path to the opening. There is plenty of slapstick humour with lots of Johnny English, falling over, getting hit in the end with various objects and also quite a hilarious chase scene where he walks not runs after a man who had tried to kill him, but simply ‘using his mind’ to get around the various obstacles that confront him.

But what of the plot? Well that doesn’t exactly take long to explain. Basically a team of assassins wish to kill the Chinese Premier, why? That is never explained but as I said this a movie you watch to see people fall over and walk into doors etc. Anyway, Johnny English is charged with stopping this team of assassins and he of course makes numerous errors along the way and without wanting to spoil it too much, he fails to spot many things that are right in front of him.

Along the way Johnny is eagerly assisted by his assistant Tucker played by Daniel Kaluuya of Skins fame. Tucker is a young up and coming secret agent who is both confused and impressed by the English’s actions, but by the end he has come of age and is a proper agent and blah blah blah, cliché etc

In summary, this really wasn’t a bad film. If you are a film buff it won’t go down as one of the greats, but if you want to go to a film to be amused then it’s worth a watch because despite its problems it is funny. It would have been a lot better if Ben Miller had reprised his role as Bough from the first movie, but still there is enough there for an enjoyable movie.

A review of music!

As none of you will know i’m sure, I once worked for my universities newspaper the UniVerse as the entertainments editor, sadly these days I have moved onto bigger and brighter things. Anyway, I did write an album review, which come to think of it actually went in the uni’s magazine Blue Moon, so yeeeeeeeah, this is the review here, its slightly different in that I haven’t tried to be funny, there is also no swearing as it was for a newspaper and I wasn’t allowed, but i’ll make up for it here, TITS!!! Oh and also its a review of Simple Desire by All Mankind.

All Mankind are an Australian rock/indie band from Eastwood in Sydney, Australia. The group consists of Richard Beeston (vocals, rhythm guitar & keyboard), David Beeston (drums), Daniel Mayes AKA Dorny (guitar) and Gavin Perkins (bass)

I suppose they could be loosely called stadium rock, as I can imagine seeing them do a show with lasers and synthesisers over the vocals.

The band released their debut album Simple Desire on the 3^rd of October 2011 and on first impressions I was impressed. I must admit on hearing the opening track ‘Open Your Eyes, I immediately thought – is this the Killers? However as the album progresses, despite being noticeable, it does becomes less obvious.

Starting off with the second track, ‘Break the Spell’ which for me is one of the stand out tracks of the album (it’s also on the soundtrack for FIFA 12 gamer nerds!), I have to say, I do like the use of keyboards more and more in music now days and this song uses it to great effect to create a nicely rounded song.

Another song that grabbed my attention was the album’s title track ‘Simple Desire’ which sees a slight change in pace for the album, as the three tracks proceeding it were somewhat quicker and more jumpy. ‘Simple Desire’ slows it write down and provides a good opportunity to sample Richard Beeston’s voice which does stand up to many other singers out there.

As I have already mentioned, All Makind’s sound can be compared to that of the Killers, but there is also a touch of Coldplay and U2 thrown in. This is fairly noticeable in the albums middle tracks ‘Lover’s Song’ and ‘Can You Hear Me?’ – which for me is one of the weaker tracks of the album, mainly because it sounds a bit like a cheap knock off of a U2 track and as someone who isn’t a fan of U2 this did not go down too well with me. This is followed by another rather pedestrian track ‘To Live’ which again didn’t really excite me.

However the album picks up again with the next track ‘Magic Moment’ which is easily my favourite track of the album. The mixture of a slightly harder rock sound with occasional bursts of acoustic and softer rock certainly caught my attention, and it served as a good precursor to another favourite track of mine ‘Hollywood Tonight’ - one of the bands more lyrically succinct songs.

The final two tracks of the album ‘I’ve Been Looking For This’ and ‘Lay Me Down’ provide a fairly quiet end to the album, but I feel they serve as a quite relaxing conclusion as a whole.

So there we are that’s All Mankind’s ‘Simple Desire’ for you. All in all I would recommend this album to those who are fans of Indie music and who like to listen to bands such as The Killers, U2, Keane or Muse as this album is likely to satisfy your musical tastes. Despite a few teething problems which can be expected of a debut album it’s well worth a listen and you can find them on ITunes, and also check out their debut single ‘Break The Spell’ which is available on YouTube with its accompanying music video.

Ratings wise I am going to give the album a 6/10, but you never know that may change as I listen to the album more, as so often happens with me.