Remember when I said I’d write a series of blogs? No? Well piss off then... Just kidding, I am not even going to write a series, but this one will be related to the last blog so it is a series, confused? Good then let us begin.
Now as you my loyal readers will know I have something of a dislike for celebrities, not all of them, I’m mainly talking the type of celebrity that is famous for being famous; the type of person who gets in papers and magazines simply for going to a party or by going to rehab. That does seem to be quite a popular pass time when it comes to celebrities doesn’t it? I recently saw a news story that Lindsay Lohan has been released from prison, I don’t know why she was in there, maybe she sucked off the president and didn’t swallow or something. I am assuming it’s something like that because that is what her career equates to these days.
Lindsay Lohan is the perfect example of the ‘troubled’ celebrity, the thing is I can feel my cynicism boiling again and yes Lindsay I do not believe you. You know how she stays in the public eye? By getting arrested, she then goes to rehab and we aren’t talking real rehab, no, we aren’t talking about what is basically a hospital where you share a room with a 24 year old heroin addict who has intense stomach cramps and paranoid delusions about whether or not toasters are secretly aliens sent from Mars to monitor our brain activity. The type of ‘rehab’ that Lindsay Lohan and co go to is normally some sort of health clinic that probably costs about $4000 a day, that has lots of pools and saunas and plenty of massage, maybe with the occasional meeting about the fact that you shoved a syringe into your anus to get high, but even then you have a lots of kittens purring and nudging you to make sure you are happy. You know how people like the Lohan pay for this sort of shit; I will give you a rundown of how her life functions shall I.
So say she has just left rehab, first port of call is her agent and the conversation goes like this:
Lindsay: ‘hey dude, I’ve just got back from my vacation... I mean rehab, and I need some money for like loads of drugs, are there any modelling agencies who want to take pictures of my hot tits’?
The agent says fuck all because he is dancing around the room thinking about what he is going to spend all his money on. After this of course, Lindsay gets caught driving under the influence of coke or monkey urine or some shit, naturally she gets arrested, but luckily she has was driving right past the annual paparazzi photographer conference so there are plenty of people to take her picture. The next step is to get to call her agent again, the conversation goes as follows.
‘Sup my man, so I’m like totally screwed and they say I might go to prison, can you like get me a lawyer or something so I can just go on vacation... I mean go to rehab again bro?
Once again the agent is laughing all the way to his fucking bank. And there you go that’s how it works, she might do the occasional movie where she plays a stripper (must have been really hard to get into character for that one, hey Lindsay?) but most of the time this is what her life consists of. It’s not just her though, there are loads of other twats that do this, but nobody cares because it’s interesting to watch people fuck up their lives apparently.
The celebrities are bad enough, but the people who actually care are worse, you should all be ashamed, now line up while I smack you all in the face as hard as I bloody can.
