Well You Gotta Have Faith

You may have been wondering where I have been, yes you have don’t bloody lie. Anyway, I have been producing a short film these past few weeks and haven’t really had the time or energy to sit down and write a blog, but now that I have an idea, it’s not at all film related. Though the inspiration is. A character in the short discusses his faith and it got me thinking about my own. So here we go, time for me to get all pretentious and philosophical about faith and religion.

Religion and God have always been a pretty significant part of my life. I have been ‘raised’ as a Christian. I use inverted commas because I wouldn’t call it a strict religious upbringing, more that it was always something that I was aware of and that my Dad is very solid in his Christian beliefs. This I think led to my own interest because rather than having religion thrust upon me I was rather eased into it, which for me is the best way. Having a belief system forced onto you is never an effective way of building up faith.

And so up until my early 20s I guess you could say that I held some fairly devout Christian views. God created the heavens and the earth and sent his only son Jesus Christ to die for our sins, that sort of thing. However my religious faith took a bit of a kick in the nuts at 18 when my mother died. Now, at the time of it happening it actually strengthened my faith. I suppose in some ways I saw it as a test, because although we had prayed and prayed for her recovery, she eventually succumbed to her illness. I felt as if I had to stay strong at the time and I used God as a post to prop me up. But at the time I didn’t realise that my faith had been irreparably damaged.

As I got a little older - and this is going to sound incredibly cliché – a little wiser I began to question my faith more and more. This started off with the more basic things like, ‘why do bad things happen to good people,’ something that those with a strong religious faith almost always have an answer for, but this time I wasn’t satisfied with just believing God had a plan. I began to search out for more reasonable answers to life’s questions. For instance I had always been a strong disbeliever in the theory of evolution, for no other reason than it conflicted with a belief that God created man in his own image. However, I then did a bit of reading and realised that evolution is not a conflicting belief system. It’s not set out to disprove God or mock those of a religious faith (though people like Richard Dawkins give this a good go) and instead realised it is scientific fact. I realised that denying evolution was the same as denying climate change. The evidence is there, you can’t not believe it, you can ignore it, but all you are doing is displaying ignorance to fact. This doesn’t have to mean your religious views are wrong, but that perhaps some of the figures in the equation of life change.

On top of this new found scientific evidence, I began to question some of the more core beliefs of Christianity. The idea of heaven and hell has always been a particular interest to me, how to get to the former and how to avoid the latter. It basically boils down to accepting Jesus Christ as your saviour and living a good life, which sounds simple and easy. The thing is that I find this core doctrine of Christianity so incredibly selfish. What I get from that is you can live the best life possible, you can help others, you can love and be kind to as many people as possible, but if you don’t accept Jesus its down to hell with you. 

I’m sorry, but I cannot get my head around that. If God supposedly gave us free will and can see the past present and future then surely as an all knowing God he knows that some will not accept Jesus and will instead subscribe to other religious faiths or indeed no faith at all. That being the case, are all these people going to hell? Will millions of soul’s burn for all eternity just because they never picked up a bible? What kind of God would be so cruel as to let that happen? That’s not love, that’s just vicious and unfair. The idea behind a religion is to have faith that you are loved and looked after in this life and the next, but to me that just makes God scary. A kind of judgemental overseer who makes sure you obey the rules or he will destroy you. Maybe I am being overly dramatic here, but this contradiction really did knock the lingering faith that I still have.

Much like a character in the film I am currently working on, I would much rather have faith in myself and those around me. Again going back to the idea of free will, surely it’s a God given right that I would rather have faith in people and things I can conceivably see and touch.  Surely it’s better for me to live a life that rewards those around me via my actions. I want to be kind and I want to help people because it feels good and its makes others feel good. If I am doing that for some vague belief that I will be rewarded, or worse to avoid punishment by being sent to hell, then who am I really doing it for? What’s the point of my life? These questions often go around my head during my more existential moods and I still don’t have the answer, but right now I just want to do my best at whatever I do, because really that’s all I can offer.

My faith is not dead, and if I really think about it I do still believe there is a God, I am not sure whether it’s the Christian idea of God, but I would like to believe there is something out there. Faith is a hard thing to maintain, but all I can say is that I have a lot of faith in my fellow human beings,  - even if they do sometimes think Donald Trump is a good idea as president – because really for me, the people you meet, love and live with are the real purpose in life and faith in them is what truly matters.

Can I leave it there? No jokes to speak of again, it was all very serious wasn’t it? But then again I am a very smart and sophisticated guy so I guess it’s to be expected. Anyway,  here is a video of a seal screaming like a man - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-yUKS3O66A

Spotlight!

So when I reviewed Beasts of No Nation recently I commented on how it would be hard to be funny whilst reviewing it, and I was right, it was. This was because it was about child soldiers, and there is pretty much no way you can make a joke whilst talking about that. So anyway, I am going to talk about a film which bases its story on the historic sexual abuse of children associated with the Catholic church, so, yeah....

Sexual abuse by priests and church members seems kind of like old news these days. Its almost as if its expected and no longer a surprise when we hear about it. Make of that what you will, but there was a time when it was perhaps the biggest news story in the world and The Boston Globe in the United States were at the forefront of this discovery. Specifically the ''Spotlight'' team which are as far as I can tell a special in depth investigative team who produce scandalous stories after a long period of research and evidence gathering. This is what the film is about, rather than dealing directly with the abuse of children, instead the plot focuses on a small group of journalists who work their collective arses off the find out the horrible truth, and find out they do. It is discovered initially that at least 13 priests were known to have abused children, however further snooping reveals the numbers are in the thousands.

This film is therefore hard to categorise for me. Its described as a drama - which it is - but I always feel that this is too broad. Its not a thriller, though it is thrilling. I suppose the best way to describe it, is as a investigative thriller, character driven drama (yes Andrew because that's a really good way to describe a film). Anyway, that's the best I can do.

But did I like it?

Yes...

Spotlight is a quite excellent film. From start to finish it draws you into the investigation and keeps you there, wondering what will happen next and what piece of evidence will rear its head. Its not action packed, but its not that type of film anyway. The main thing that really works is that this is a small group of people taking on a large and powerful organisation, i.e. the Catholic Church. I believe its quite common for audiences to root for the little guy and in this case the little guy is a group of 6 people against an institution that wields considerable power. The suspense is dealt with expertly, every time it looks like the Spotlight team have hit a wall, a new bit of information comes to light, or a new witness agrees to share what they know. This is never overly convenient and you don't feel as if they are lucky. Instead you see just how hard these people worked and just how good they were at their jobs. Another thing you feel is utter contempt and shock at the actions of the church. There was an audible gasp in the cinema at one point when I was watching it and you certainly feel that way considering the subject matter.

As for the acting, that is spot on. I recently criticised the ensemble cast of The Hateful Eight as I felt it weakened the film, not in this case though. Mark Ruffalo, Michael Keaton and Rachel McAdams are the stand out performers, though the rest of the cast are just as good in their roles. The film flips between each character and their respective investigations and ties them together nicely to create the case against the church and create a voice for the victims.

Ruffalo is particularly good in my opinion.It's obvious he has gone full method in this role, right down to the way he clearly imitates the way the real Michael Rezendes (his character) stands and walks. Some may find it a little off putting, but I felt once you really got into the film it was no longer an issue.

There is a lot of buzz around this film, and it has been a near constant on the awards circuit. I don't think it will win any of the big ones - by which I mean the Oscars -  but its not just there to make up the numbers. Serious thought has gone into this movie, and the result is a very tight and compelling piece of cinema, its well worth a watch.


Jeez, I couldn't even manage one humorous observation, I guess my standards are slipping. What I need is a really crap film to review so I can rant, maybe I'll watch Grimsby.

Room - No not that one!

For those of you slightly confused by the title of this post. I am of course making a reference to Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room' the best terrible film ever made. It obviously has nothing to do Lenny Abrahamson's film, but I just wanted to reference Wiseau either way because I'm slightly obsessed with him. Anyway, lets talk about Room.

Spoilers ahead!


Set largely in one room (hence the title) the film deals with a young woman called Joy (Brie Larson) - though she is mostly referred to as ''Ma'' by her 5 year old song Jack (Jacob Tremblay), both of whom live in a tiny space referred to simply as ''room''. It soon becomes clear that they are in fact being kept prisoner by a mysterious man called Old Nick (Sean Bridgers) who kidnapped Joy 7 years earlier and fathered Jack through the numerous rapes he commits. Despite some close calls both Joy and Jack are able to escape and we witness their struggles to adapt to the real world, one which Jack has never seen.

The first thing I thought when reading about this was that this was a hard subject matter to cover in a film. Everyone has heard of the Josef Fritzl case in Austria and although its an interesting story, you would think that a film would be in poor taste. Room isn't based on that story, but the similarities are clear and the film deals with it admirably. This is never a gratuitous in any way, and in actual fact that main motivation of the story is the relationship between Joy and her son and how they each cope with their existence. Joy has experience of the real world and knows what she is missing, but still tries to raise her son the best she can. Whereas Jack lives in a fantasy world that his mother concocted in order for him to at least have some pleasure in life. It really is a fascinating insight into how people cope with adversity and abuse, and the juxtaposition of the ages of the characters provides a really interesting back and forth.

That back and forth is truly what pushes the film and makes it so good.This is a movie that is all about the performance of its two lead actors and let me tell you, they are two of the best acting performances I have ever seen. Brie Larson really showcases her considerable range of acting talents, it appears that she is equally confident in comedies and dramas and she deserves the Oscar this year in my opinion. She tackles a really difficult subject matter with grace and confidence and you spend the whole film rooting for her and hoping that she gets what she needs to move on with her life.

Beside her is Jacob Tremblay who puts in a quite amazing performance for an 8 year old child, and in actual fact you could argue that he is the lead in the whole story. The fate of all the characters relies on what he does and how he approaches life. It is he who saves his mothers life by escaping ''room'' and getting help, and he later saves her life when she attempts suicide by showing her that they can be strong together. That's one hell of an in depth character for such a young man to take on and he is pretty much faultless.

So yeah, Room really is worth the hype that its been given because its fantastic. Its not an easy film to watch and there are some uncomfortable moments, but given the subject matter that's to be expected and as I've said its dealt with well. And even though normally I will question the traditional Hollywood happy ending, I was totally OK with it in this case. The ending is so hopeful that you cant help but smile, and sometimes you really need that, especially when you look at the events in the film that preceded it.

Go watch it innit

Beasts of No Nation

Its going to be hard to be funny and irreverent about this film as its about African civil war, child soldiers, rape and murder. I am obviously a comedy genius, but I think I will struggle to make that shit funny, so maybe I'll just review it and you can laugh at my attempts to be serious, deal? OK!

I'll get the plot out of the way first. In an unnamed African country a war begins in which government troops fight with guerrilla forces set up by locals who hope to stop them enforcing the will of an unnamed military junta on countries many small villages. Much like in real life, this leads to the recruitment of a number of child soldiers, who are turned into killing machines from a young age.

Beasts of No Nation is a film that achieved considerable attention in 2015/16 for a multitude of reasons. One of which is that critics were pretty universally positive about the film, it currently has a score of 91% on Rotten Tomatoes and there has been particular praise for the performances of the actors. Idris Elba has drawn a lot of attention because of his performance as the character simply known as Commandant. Now, a lot of the attention recently has been because he did not receive an Oscar nomination for the role, and this has then been tied in with the argument that the Oscars are universally biased towards white people. Now I wont get into that debate, but I will say that I don't think his performance really warrants a nomination. Nothing to do with him being black, but I just think as far as performances go, the awards should go to Abraham Attah who plays the films lead Agu. This kid is seriously good in this movie in which he plays a child soldier whose life is turned on its head when he is forced to separate from his mother, only to see his father and older brother killed by government forces. Attah completely stole the show for me and gave an utterly captivating and chilling performance of a child forced into actions that no child should have to undertake.
Unfortunately in all the arguments about race (rightfully so) people have seemingly missed a really wonderful performance from a teenager in what must have been an intensely difficult role and that's quite sad.

Nevertheless, that's one of the best things about Beast of No Nation, the performances. It is known that writer/director Cary Joji Fukunaga used real victims and ex soldiers of war in his cast and it shows, at points you do get lost in the performances and you really feel like you are in a war zone where anybody could die at any moment. This is the films biggest strength as I feel it covers up pretty well its most obvious flaws.

Yes, despite its glowing reviews, there are some flaws.

I am loathe to criticise a story that highlights a serious subject, but I just felt that the storyline was a bit slow and thin, despite plenty happening. Though that might sound like a contradiction I just mean that although plenty happens to the characters, its just the same thing over and over again. They move from one area to the next, you think they are going to improve their lives and end the war they are fighting, but the Commandant ruins this. This is at points gripping and at other points boring, there is a slight lack of balance of what the characters are doing and it lets the film down slightly.

As for the other glaring flaw and I cant believe I have to keep saying this, its too long! At 137 minutes long Beasts of No Nation simply does not have enough to warrant such a bloated running time. This could have easily been much shorter and I think with that the repetition of scenes problem would have been eradicated. Directors and studios really need to realise that if a film is going to be 2 hours or over it better have a bloody good reason to do it, this unfortunately didn't have that reason.

Despite the attention and ratings the film has received recently, I don't think it will stand the test of time with regards to movies made about subject of child soldiers and African civil war. I haven't seen hundreds of movies with that as a theme, but I would personally recommend films such as Johnny Mad Dog and Blood Diamond over Beasts of No Nation.

It is by no means a terrible film, and its worth a watch just for the performance of Abraham Attah, but it didn't live up the the expectations I had before I watched it. Obviously I am just one man and I am sure there are many out there who would totally disagree with me, but that's what movie reviewing is all about folks, please put away the pitch forks, I have told you about that before.

Sayonora


Bonus fact: I am listening to J Pop/Metal crossover music as I write this, weird right?

Marvel Finally Pull Their Finger Out and Find Deadpool

So I am finally going to review a Marvel movie, you might be wondering where I have been?Well, I have been writing my autobiography 'My Journey, My Struggle: The Struggle of My Journey.' 

There is also the fact that up until now the Marvel movies have bored me close to death. With the exception of perhaps the Avengers movies (Happy Valentines Joss Whedon xxxxxxx) I have been pretty unimpressed. They aren't necessarily terrible movies, its just that considering the money and attention around them I expected them to at least be a bit interesting.

You will be glad to know that FINALLY an interesting and all around entertaining movie has been made and its called Deadpool!

I am not going to give an awful lot of the plot, because in actual fact, its kinda generic, it is after all a love story. But in short, Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) a debt collector of sorts meets a girl, Vanessa (Morena Baccarin) and they fall in love. Wade is then diagnosed with cancer and decides to leave Vanessa as he doesn't want her to see him slowly die. However Ajax (Ed Skrein) offers to help cure Wade's illness whilst simultaneously making him into a superhero. Which technically works, but turns Wade into a Freddie Kruger type nightmare on the outside. Wade then assumes the identity of Deadpool and seeks his revenge.

Its almost as if the writers of this movie have listened to me directly and made the appropriate changes. For instance, I am so bored of origin stories, I get they are necessary for those who haven't read the appropriate comics, but please don't spend too much of  movie on it (I'm looking at you Iron Man). Deadpool uses a non - linear storyline to deal with this and even then the origins don't take that long. I also don't like the ratio of comedy to explaining mythology and history and all that boring nonsense (Thor...) in others, and Deadpool is all about the funny. Then there is the CGI in the other Marvel movies, oh god the CGI, its almost as if nobody could be bothered to act so they just played a computer game and filmed it for a lot of the franchise films. Though Deadpool does use CGI, its at a minimum and never managed to annoy me.

Above all else though I loved Deadpool because it was funny, really funny. Obviously with Ryan Reynolds in the lead role you can expect some laughs, but I didn't expect as many as I got. The script was basically one liners and jokes throughout and never stopped to be too serious, there was even a little homage to Monty Python in there!

Plus like I said, its almost as if Marvel listened to me personally because they addressed all the things that had annoyed me previously in the dialogue, the amount of fourth wall breaking and self referential jokes about Marvel's stranglehold on the movie business is unlike anything I have seen before. Its as if Marvel have gone so far up their own arses that they came out the other side past the sparrow prince and katata fish with a pretty great movie.

So there we have it, like I said the plot is nothing particularly new, but to me that didn't really matter because the film itself was really quite charming and funny. I could probably understand why people might hate it because the jokes really are constant and could potentially get on someones nerves. Plus there is an air of smugness to it, as if Marvel are making fun of their audiences, whilst simultaneously taking their money, but all in all these factors didn't occur to me whilst watching it and I just enjoyed the experience. It's definitely worth a watch and Marvel have finally managed to impress me.

However as a final note I will just say, please PLEASE!!! do not make a sequel because you will inevitably f**k it up and I don't want to see that happen to what is probably the best Marvel character I have seen.

Of course they will make it, but hey, at least I can say I told you so.

Bye bye!

Tarantino does cludeo and calls it 'The Hateful Eight'

 Actual Photo.


So where to start with this then? I have been a fan of Tarantino for ages, ever since I first saw Pulp Fiction many years ago, so you would think that every time he releases a new movie that I would be super excited to see it. That wasn't really the case with the Hateful Eight. Its not that I saw trailers and thought oh well that looks terrible, it was more that Tarantino's standards have somewhat dropped since his early days. He is a fine filmmaker and they are still enjoyable, but his most memorable films for me came in the 90s, though admittedly I enjoy the hell out of Inglorious Basterds.

But thats neither here nor there, so anyway, the Hateful Eight!

So the plot like any Tarantino film is quite episodic and told in non linear stages. But in short it concerns the fate of a murderer and gang member by the name of Daisy Domergue (Jennifer Jason Leigh) who is being escorted to the town of Red Rock by bounty hunter John Ruth (Kurt Russell). However due to a fierce storm, Ruth is forced to stay inside a wood cabin with 6 others including Major Marquis Warren (Samuel L Jackson - because obviously) and Chris Mannix (Walter Goggins) - the soon to be sheriff of Red Rock. The obstacle being that none of the men can trust each other as Ruth is sure that somewhere someone will try to free Daisy.I wont go through the twists and character interactions, because if you want that, then watch the film, but the majority of the action takes place in this one setting.

So what do I think?

Well... I wont say I was overwhelmed by this film, but I enjoyed it to a degree. Like I said, Tarantino remains a skilled man and this film is no exception. Its visually very creative, shot well and the soundtrack from Morricone is encapsulating as always. In many ways this film represents something of a throwback for Tarantino as like Reservoir Dogs the film largely takes place in one room and the interaction of the characters are the driving force behind the plot. This is what Tarantino does best - dialogue. If you are  a fan of Tarantino then this will satisfy you in that regard. Its punchy, its funny and clever.

However, I cant help but feel there was something missing and having waited a week before reviewing it, I think I know what it is, the cast. Though its an ensemble cast and that usually means you can get away with not having 'great' actors, I really felt that nobody in this movie stood out. Jennifer Jason Leigh has been nominated for an Oscar for her performance and I cant really see why. She isn't bad, but Oscar worthy? I don't think so. Kurt Russell is another who really does nothing for me, he plays the character well, but again its nothing more than OK. As for Samuel L Jackson, he has always been a bit hit and miss for me, he was great in Pulp Fiction and pretty good in Django Unchained, and to be fair is probably the stand out performer in this, however I just feel that the casting stalled the film slightly. Tim Roth and Michael Madsen are somewhat wasted and in the end I felt a tad let down by them all.

This isn't helped by the fact that the film is three hours long and so there is a lot of waiting around and even I as a complete idiot could see scenes that didn't need to be there. At least with the run time of Reservoir Dogs (99 minutes) you got a much better paced film that gave you what you wanted quickly and more easily. This film could probably have been 2 hours and who knows, maybe that would have made a big difference.

I just cant help but feel that Tarantino was stifled by the fact that he had to do certain re-writes when the script was leaked. I could sense that maybe some of the writing was rushed or compromised because it had to be changed.

I hate giving number ratings when talking about a film, but for arguments sake, I would put this in the 6/10 category. Its never terrible, but its never groundbreaking either. I have heard that this could be Tarantino's last film, and I really really hope that its not true because this would certainly be something of an anti climax.

God this review sounds bad doesn't it? It sounds like I just flat out hated it. I didn't but I suppose having watched all Tarantino's films I just know he can do better and I do expect him to stay on and do better, I think maybe he needs to get back to gangster films, because that's where he seems most comfortable. He should also use De Niro again so that the man can be saved from making Dirty f**king Grandpa.

Anyway, there's my advice Quentin, see what you think and email me if you have any questions.

Brooklyn - I get a bit excited here, just prior warning.

Brooklyn!


Ok so again I am a little late to the party as Brooklyn has been out for a few months now, but I thought I might as well offer you my thoughts and my thoughts are that this really is a fantastic film. Its just... so beautiful, its not what you would call innovative in terms of its plot, but its still a love story that you can completely connect to and immerse yourself in.

So yeah, as you can see, I quite like this movie, but what's it actually about I don't hear you say because we aren't having an actual conversation and the we in this context is a metaphorical person in my head. Sorry, I got off track there.

Aaaaanyway, Brooklyn is about a young Irish girl called Ellis Lacy (Saoirse Ronan) who senses that her life in Ireland isn't leading anywhere and with the help of her sister and a priest moves to Brooklyn in the United States. Despite initial homesickness Ellis soon begins to love her life in the States and meets a young Italian man called Anthony (Emory Cohen). However tragically for Ellis her sister Rose (Fiona Glasscott) dies and Ellis returns home and struggles to come to terms with whether or not to stay at home with her mother and her admirer Jim (Domhnall Gleeson) or return to Anthony.

And that's that really, its the sort of love story that has been told again and again, and yet this is not at any point a detriment to the film overall. This is down almost and I mean almost entirely to the performance of Ronan who is nothing short of mesmerising in the lead role. She is ably assisted by other cast members including Julie Walters who provides some of the more comedic aspects of the film, but it is Ronan who comes out of this film as the main attraction - for me anyway.

What really surprises me about her is her age, Ronan is only 21 years old - 20 freaking 1!! What's so special about that? Well honestly you wouldn't believe that someone so young could put in such a wonderfully crafted and understated performance. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that she looks older,just that she has a presence on screen that really defies her youth. I seriously cannot praise her performance enough, she makes want to find out what happens to her character, she pushes the film forward at a pace that never stalls and she makes you believe that love really does exist (OK I know that's mushy but honestly its true). I haven't yet seen the films which contain the other actresses nominated for the best performance Oscar, but based on what she did in Brooklyn it would be thoroughly deserved if Ronan was to pick up the award.*

I must also gush about the soundtrack a little bit because its fantastic. The score is subtle and just perfect for the images that appear in front of you and there was even one song that was sung in the Irish language that made me homesick. Please bare in mind that I watched this at home in England and I have no familial attachment to Ireland whatsoever and this song made me homesick. How on earth does that happen seriously?

I just cannot offer enough praise to this film, some readers (I know you exist somewhere) might think I am being over the top, but I am not often over the top when it comes to films and Brooklyn has elicited a response that is quite uncommon for me.

Watch it please!!





*Also, if you want another award, you can marry me Saoirse, not as good as an Oscar obviously, but I promise I will be like suuuuuuper good to you.

Hot Girls Wanted A.K.A sex is awful

German aristocrat Otto Von Bismarck once said 'Laws, like sausages, cease to inspire respect in proportion as we know how they are made' - The implication being that if you see behind the scenes of every day things that form part of our lives you will form differing opinions of it. If you see how a sausage is packed with god knows how many different types of meat you wont want to eat it.

Now admittedly the law part of that quote is probably a much less disgusting metaphor, however I think having watched the documentary Hot Girls Wanted I feel like its appropriate.

Sorry, just a little segway here, that intro was clever wasn't it, I mean I used metaphor, I quoted a historical German politician and I feel like I made a pretty apt comparison. Just sit back in awe at my insight.

Done? OK I'll get on with talking about the documentary.

The film itself came out in early 2015 so I am probably a little late to the party, but I didn't actually know it existed until a couple of days ago when someone I know spoke about it.

The actual content of the documentary is fairly straightforward. It follows the lives of some new female porn stars, specifically teenagers between 18 and 19 years old. All of these girls are found through Craigslist by a guy called Riley who simply advertises for 'Hot Girls' - hence the title - by offering them a free flight and a promise of lots of money and good sex. Many of these girls arrive from small town America to pursue a career in something known as pro - amateur porn, which is what it sounds like, professional porn, made to look like it stars amateurs.

Now, to get away from the actual content of the documentary briefly, I will say that I have watched porn before, I am not a prude who thinks its should all be banned and that all these women are being exploited. However returning to my metaphor, after watching this and seeing what these young girls go through, it has managed to make sex look like the most unappealing thing imaginable.

A lot of the girls featured in the documentary were very attractive, they seemed fairly happy with the life they had chosen and they weren't the stereotypical dumb girl that you would probably expect to see.

There is a lot of talk about female empowerment and liberation in the documentary, which is an argument often seen in porn. Its a fair one in my opinion, a persons choice is their own and if a woman -  or anybody for that matter -  chooses to do porn then fair enough, however I felt myself being really challenged by this documentary because despite these girls choosing what they do, it really really reallllllllllllly seemed like pure exploitation. For example, according to the various facts presented in the film, a large part of the porn market is something ill paraphrase as 'abusive porn'. These are films in which a girl is maybe tied down and fucked, or forced to give a guy a blowjob until she vomits and then has to lick it up afterwards.... So yeah, I've honestly never seen something like that, but what the fuck! I mean, in the documentary the girls defend this type of porn by simply saying its acting and if someone wants to pay them for a short amount of discomfort then more fool them. One girl even said, she would rather someone watch her acting as if she is getting assaulted then have them go out and really hurt someone. Again that's a good point I suppose, but I just cannot suspend myself from the fact that these girls are being abused, acting or not. In fact, one girl was speaking after a forced blowjob scene and she comments on how did she didn't vomit because she didn't eat breakfast and so nothing came up. Now, I just cant see how that scenario is OK ever? Seriously, whether the guy really intends to hurt her is surely irrelevant? I don't know, I just found it really fucked up, and this girl was only 18 if I remember right. At 26 I don't think I am old enough to really judge a young person, as I haven't really 'lived' enough, but I felt genuinely concerned for her well being.

That to me is the main aim of the documentary and I am full of praise for the way Jim Bauer and Ronna Gradus (the directors) handle it. The film is never gratuitous, if people who haven't seen it are expecting some free nudity, then you will be disappointed. The focus really is on the girls and their struggle to justify what they do, and I am not talking from a 'moral - all porn is bad' sort of way, but more in the sense that the girls seem to struggle with the fact that they have a 'shelf life'. By the end of the film, 2 of the girls who feature have left the industry after less than a few months of being porn stars, and its indicated throughout that this isn't unusual. Porn really does seem to have a revolving door policy when it comes to women especially and then the girls are just discarded. Fortunately for the girls who leave there is some hope and the audience isn't left completely dejected, but still.

Overall I think Hot Girls Wanted should be seen because if anything it exposes more about these women than any porn scene possibly could. I realise I probably sound like a pretentious twat and maybe it comes across that I am trying to tell women what they should be doing with their bodies, but honestly that couldn't be further from the truth. Like I said, I appreciate that some people will make choices that I or others cant understand, but I don't think that means I am not allowed to talk about those choices if they seem detrimental to seemingly good people.

Anyway, sorry this blog is so long, I could have gone on and on (that probably shows, considering how sloppily this is written) But I just think this is an important documentary on a divisive subject that approaches its material objectively and with care for its participants.

Byesey bye!

The Revenant A.K.A Leo Di Caprio's Christmas adventure.

            Leo's face when Fassbender gets the Oscar for playing a rich asshole.

So! Here we go, my first movie review in about 5 years or so. I bet you are excited aren't you? Yes you are, but please take your hands out of your trousers until the end at least you disgusting person.

Oh, and by the way, SPOILERS ahead.

Set in the United States during the period where it was like Australia today (crazy temperatures, every animal looking to kill you) the story focuses predominantly on Hugh Glass (Leo Di Caprio) a fur trapper with a half native American son. Almost immediately Glass and the rest of the expedition he is part of are attacked by a tribe of Arikara Native Americans who want to steal the fur for themselves. Outnumbered Glass and a few of the party escape, amongst them is John Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy) who is much more concerned with getting the furs back to wherever they need to go.

Once they are safely away from the hostiles the group decides to stash some of their payload to return at a later date, much to the annoyance of Fitzgerald who insists that they are wasting time and basically attempts to undermine the authority of everyone he can, including the Captain of the expedition Andrew Henry (Domhnall Gleeson).

Things take a turn for the worst as Glass is mauled by a bear and left close to death. Once it is realised that it is too hazardous to carry an injured man, Henry asks for volunteers to stay behind with Glass and give him a proper burial when the time comes. Fitzgerald as well as Jim Bridger (Will Poulter) and Glass's son Hawk (Forest Goodluck) remain with Glass. Fitzgerald though decides it would best to kill Glass and get it over with, only to be stopped by Hawk who gets stabbed to death for his efforts. With Hawk dead, Fitzgerald persuades Bridger to leave and Glass is left for dead, only to survive and eventually seek his revenge.

All in all I would have to say that this movie lived up to the hype surrounding it. When I first saw the trailer I did wonder if this was your typical Oscar bait, and there probably is an element of that, however not enough that it distracts from the actual film itself.

Innaritu is quickly establishing himself as one of the worlds most notable directors and from this film its quite easy to see why. The direction is smooth and sensitive to the subject material and the use of natural lighting adds to the immersion and sympathy for Glass's struggle. Innaritu doesn't seem afraid to go all out for a scene to get the best reaction from his actors and by proxy the audience. I am thinking in particular of the scene where Glass sleeps inside a dead horse for warmth.

In terms of the acting its fair to say that this is probably Di Caprio's best performance for a while. He is never bad, but I think this film probably will earn him his Oscar once and for all. If not I really feel worried for the guys health, I mean he ate an actual bison liver for goodness sake! Just let him have the statue!

Other than that the rest of the cast do a great job too. Tom Hardy really excels at playing the villain in general and this is no exception. He is mean and relentless in his douchebaggery he really gives Di Caprio a run for his money, I wouldn't be surprised if he got the Oscar nod as well.

If there were any criticisms they would be minor ones like the films run time which stands at 2 hours and 36 minutes. I just felt that it really didn't need to be that long, I was never bored by it, but it felt as if it was only that long to justify the scale of the movie rather than because it had a complicated story to tell.

There were also some problems with the sound, though this may have just been a problem with the cinema I saw it in, but often when the Native Americans spoke the dialogue didnt match up with their mouths.

In conclusion then I would definitely recommend this film, its perhaps not for the squeamish, but everyone else is safe.

Oh and p.s. How many yacths must Domhnall Gleeson's agent have now. That's Ex Machina, Brooklyn, Star Wars and now The Revenant in the last year or so!

Bye now

Foreign Cinema!

Hey there!

So, I like foreign films, now, when I say foreign I am talking about films that are made and produced in a language other than English. So despite the United States technically being a foreign country for me the films I am referring to are the ones that require subtitles to understand the dialogue and despite what this lady above says I have plenty of time fo dat.

Why do I love foreign films? Well for one it makes me better than you, I would much rather watch a Swedish horror film about a child vampire than watch Chris Evans and his massive breasts CGI punch a load of villains I don't care about in a Captain America movie. I am being facetious of course, but only a tad.

To be honest I think the main reason people avoid subtitles is the view that I just jokingly adhered to above. There is a general attachment of pretension to films that use subtitles. People feel as if the filmmakers are trying to separate the less intellectual audience members by making them read instead of sitting through, oh I don't know, a Michael Bay movie about watches that explode (not the best example, but there is a watch on my desk). Anyway, this is what puts people off I am sure of it. My love for foreign cinema has seen the phrase arty farty thrown my way, always in jest, but yet I think this is what foreign cinema has to deal with in terms of a wider audience response. 

Then again, maybe people feel like they cant experience the necessary escapism because they are being forced to concentrate harder than perhaps they normally would. Though my response would be that surely the heightened concentration helps you to become even more immersed because you are forced to enter into a cinematic space where there are no distractions to stop you reading the dialogue. This for me is one of the most appealing things about subtitled films. Admittedly I used to avoid them because I couldn't be bothered. Much like a puppy I can have a rather short attention span, often when watching an English language film, regardless of whether I am enjoying it or not I will drift off onto my phone and take my eyes away from the screen. I can still hear whats going on so I probably wont miss much, but at the same time I get annoyed at myself for not paying more attention.

However contrast this with foreign film and I am a totally different spectator. When there are subtitles to be read drifting off is not an option because one missed sentence can really take you out of the film and leave you wondering whats happening. By concentrating harder I feel like I get more out of the film. I can better understand the nuances and motivations of the characters and appreciate the themes and importance of the plot. 

Crucially it has also led to a much better appreciation for language itself. Despite not speaking a second language, watching foreign films has really helped me see just how amazing human language is. It might not seem true, but there really is a difference between hearing something said in English and hearing it said in French. Even the stereotypically harsher languages such as Russian or German become poetic when used the right way.

Above all else, foreign cinema has given me a much better understanding of film as a whole, it has taken away some of the restrictions that I once had about the types of films that I saw and opened up a whole new cinematic world to me, and I would implore others to explore films worldwide for that very reason.

                                                                                                                              

I thought here I would add a short list of foreign films that I have enjoyed that are well worth a watch:

13 Minutes AKA - Elser – Er hätte die Welt verändert - German

The Raid 1&2 - Indonesian

Let the right one In - Swedish 

Ju - On AKA The Grudge - Japanese

Tsotsi - South African 

City of God - Brazilian 

Breathless AKA A bout de souffle  - French

Oldboy - Korean

Y Tu Mama Tambien - Mexican

L'Aventura - Italian

Taxi - Jafar Panahi's Taxi - Iranian - Haven't actually seen this yet, but its supposed to be amazing.

There are more, but I think that's a good list to get you going.

Adios!

Uh oh, here we go again

Guess who? (don’t just read my name or personal description, it ruins the game)


I’m back, of course this was hotly anticipated, probably, someone must have wondered where I went, or at least I like to think so. Fact is I have been pursuing other interests…. For four years. I got my masters in film, went on holiday, played a lot of XBOX, but most importantly I watched A LOT of movies and having decided that I want to get paid to do that, or at least have someone other than myself read my reviews, I am starting up my blog again. I can’t promise how regular the updates will be because unfortunately in those 4 years I was unable to perfect my future telling device. At the moment it just makes toast, don’t ask me how, like I said I couldn’t perfect it. Any who, at various points I’ll try and add things for people to read, or to see the link on Facebook, like it and then not read (hey I don’t judge) and maybe just maybe my stupid writing will get someone’s attention and they will literally run through fire to hear me impart my *wisdom*


Cheers Andrew
(I am saying cheers from me here by the way, I am not just thanking myself)




 *Wisdom not guaranteed*

The long awaited Amanda blog

So hello avid readers and people who have accidentally stumbled across my blog and are just reading the first sentence to see what its about, you can go now.

Some of you may remember that I wrote a blog about a year ago about friendship, in it I described the difficulty I had had in making friends whilst still at school and how I had made some new ones once I started university. The problem with that is that I kinda sorta forgot to mention someone, this someone happens to be one of my closest friends and I literally cant believe that I forgot about her. The only excuse I can I can offer is that I wrote the last blog in about ten minutes and It was mainly about people who I had seen that day, I am sticking to that excuse Amanda so please don’t hurt me.

Anywayyyys as I said the person I am talking about is called Amanda and I have literally known her forever, like seriously man. Our parents were friends before we were both born and so we technically knew each other from when we were babies, though I can’t quite remember that because I have pushed most of the childhood memories out of my brain and replaced them with funny cat videos. What I do remember however is that I always liked Amanda, however I will admit this now, I was always a little bit scared of her because she was a girl, there I said it! I was always really shy around girls when I was younger and so spending any extended amount of time with them which I often did with Amanda wasn't easy. However as I have got older it turns out that I much prefer hanging out with women anyway, though not in a gay way, sorry boys…

I also remember the many times we would spend around each other’s houses, normally on New Year’s Eve, it became sort of a tradition and it always made the New Year that bit more special J

Amanda is literally one of the easiest people to get along with that I know, first things first she appreciates my geekiness and that fact that I am not really that cool, which is just perfect for me because honestly I am kind a nerd, not that I mind that though because nerds will inherit the earth one day. She also for some reason finds me funny, now I don’t know if she takes ecstasy every time she talks to me, or she is just fake laughing but either way I certainly appreciate the sentiment, I am a bit like Chandler from friends and its important for me to be funny even though I'm not actually that funny, its kind of a vicious circle really. So Amanda I love the fact that you laugh for me and you must keep it up.

Oh also recently I learned that I can drink you under the table, after four glasses of wine you were pretty drunk, whereas I reckon I could have driven and operated heavy machinery if I wanted to.

I'm sure I have forgotten some things, but my memory isn't what it used to be, and I am sure you will remind me of them and make me recognise my shame for not remembering, such as the time I didn't invite you to see Lee Evans which wasn't by choice, but lets not get into that again. There can always be an Amanda blog part 2 anyway, maybe even 3 or 4 even 5, the numbers are endless...

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'Battle Born' I don't have a pun

Hello everyone, I thought I might do a lickle album review for you is that OK with you? Oh good that’s excellent, right well I better bloody get on with it then. I thought I would review the new Killers album ‘Battle Born’ because that seems like the sort of album that the cool kids are listening to these days, at least I that’s what I think they were saying as I eavesdropped on them at the bus stop, but I digress let’s get on with it.

I won’t bother comparing this to their previous albums because (A. I don’t really see the point of doing that and (B. I haven’t listened to any of their other albums in a while and I can’t remember them that well off the top of my head and I am also too lazy to listen to them all again. None of this should matter however as I simply want to review the album as a standalone record.

First off there is the album cover, it’s what I would consider a pretty bog standard rock album cover, a car driving down a highway following a horse. Despite it being rather cliché I do quite like it and to be honest I never notice stuff like that so it must be pretty good.

Now on with the music, the first noticeable thing is that this is definitely a Killers album, by which I mean there is enough of their signature sound to make it instantly recognisable as being made by them, so those fans expecting a drastic departure or a hip hop album or something you will be quite disappointed. However despite this I think there is enough in the songs for fans of the band to appreciate. I get the sense that they are trying to cultivate a more stadium rock type image, though not the Coldplay Mylo Xyloto douche bag type.[1] The albums lead single ‘Runaways’ would probably be the best example of this opinion. Despite a friend of mine describing it as simply ‘noise’ I really like the song. My first thought upon hearing it was that it sounds a lot like Queen and as a relative newcomer to Queen[2] I was pleased by this. I have always considered the Killers to be relatively soft rock but ‘Runaways’ is a lot louder and punchier. Unfortunately in my opinion this is the only track that can be described as such as the album slots back into the more established Killers sound, i.e.  softer more ballady type rock, possibly with the exception of the fifth track ‘A Matter of Time’ which doesn't quite reach the same level but it is still a strong track.

Even though I seem to be lamenting the fact that the album seems to abandon the louder rockier approach I don’t consider this to be a weak album at all. There are certainly enough tracks to draw fans of the band in, though in my opinion I still think it will split fans due to the fact that the album itself is rather split. What I mean by that is that half of it is louder and pacier, whilst the other half is slower and more composed. This I think will mean that some fans will like one half and the rest will like the other half, but of course I could be totally wrong about that. The best example of this would be track eight ‘The Rising of the Tide’ which isn't exactly a quiet acoustic ballad whilst track eleven ‘Be Still’ sounds almost like a gospel song at points. It see’s Brandon Flowers really stretching his vocal muscles, something which is actually evident throughout the album. There is even an example of the split in one song, the albums closer and title track ‘Battle Born’ which is a mixture of acoustic rock and full on epicness.[3]

In summary then this is a good album in my opinion, it won’t stand out as one of the greatest albums ever but given the Killer reputation I think it will do well amongst their fans and may even win a few new people over thanks to the rockier tracks. It is nice to see them back after 4 years and Brandon Flowers seems to still have the voice for this type of music, though I have to admit there are a few points where he can’t quite reach some of the notes, but overall he has still got it. The rest of the band have done well also with the music itself pretty much flawless. I would therefore recommend this, if you can’t afford it just listen on spotify, it’s definitely worth a listen even if you don’t agree with my opinion, which you probably won’t because I am normally wrong about everything.

Never mind

Byezeee bye

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[1] Having said that I thought they were very good at the Paralympic closing ceremony

[2] Obviously I knew who they were and their songs, but I had only really listened properly this year.

[3] Thereby refuting my point at the end of paragraph 4, doh!

TV Character = Horrible People number 3 The final dum dum dum!

Hello there, I would like to begin this blog with an apology to my loyal subjects. The recent topless photos of me taken at my friend’s house have brought shame upon my family. It was never my intention to expose my nether regions to the cameraman situated around half a mile away from my location with a telescopic lens. I realise that I was wrong to assume that it would be permissible to be in a state of undress on private property. As for those who published the photographs, I accept your reasoning behind printing them. Of course me being topless is just the same as all those other beautiful people who are topless on beaches across France and you are not in fact a cretinous dogs anus who should be put in stocks whilst Piers Morgan reads his autobiography titled ‘my life as the world’s most insufferable cunt’ aloud 400 times. I never considered that my privacy was nothing more than a joke and that every part of my life should be eagerly read about by the dregs of our society and for this I sincerely thank you.

That’s that sorted, now we can get on with the actual content of the blog and my number 1 TV show where the characters aren’t very nice people, excited? No? Well I have to finish it so just suck it up and pay attention.

I shall get straight into it then; I offer my obligatory apology for fussiness and yadi yadi yada etc. The show I have picked this week is the oldest of the three in my list and actually managed to launch the acting career of one of the world’s biggest stars. That’s right I am talking about Will Smith and his show The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

                                          Look at him tickling imaginary balls awwww.

For those of you who don’t know the show, it’s about a young kid born and raised in West Philadelphia. Most of his days are spent out on the playground just chilling, max relaxing and playing basketball outside of the local school. However one day a couple of guys show up and start causing trouble in the neighbourhood and the young kid (Will Smith) gets into a fight, the consequence being that his mother sends him to live with his aunt and uncle in Bel Air. Will gets in a cab, and soon he is off to his new home.[1] The series itself focuses on Will’s[2] attempts to fit in with the different environment of Bel Air. Of course he was born and raised on the streets[3] and he is rather different to his cousins who have been raised in far more comfortable surroundings. Will dresses funny and uses lots of street slang which contrast entirely with his more well to do extended family.

Once again it would seem that I don’t have any particular problems with this show. You are half right, I do enjoy the show, it is funny and Will Smith is just so damn lovable that he gets away with a lot of shit. However being the middle aged man trapped in a 23 year olds body that I am, I was easily able to find subjects of annoyance in amongst all of the fun. There are a few bad people on the show but for now I’ll just stick to the Banks family.

I was going to write about the parents Aunt Vivian and Uncle Phil first, but to be honest they aren’t that bad. They are very bossy, but they are sitcom parents and they kind of have to be. They can both be very arrogant though and the money that they have certainly affects the type of people they are. Phil is often embarrassed by the way Will looks and speaks because it reflects badly on his image. However he does genuinely care for Will so I will let that slide, As for Aunt Viv, well she is kind of a non-character for me, when they changed the actress after the first season she suddenly became more peripheral in the show and I can’t remember her doing much to warrant my hellish wrath. Well done you two, have a cookie, not you Uncle Phil you have to have a fat free one because you are so very fat ha ha ha chortle chortle gosh clinical obesity sure is a hoot.[4]

Unfortunately that is where the niceties end; for you see the rest of the characters I want to highlight really are quite bothersome don’t you know. Let us start with Ashley (Tatyana Ali) the youngest of the children[5]. Ashley is the sweet unassuming one, she looks up to her older siblings and very rarely displays her nasty side. However when she attained brief fame as a pop singer all of that changed and suddenly she became a complete diva[6], she neglected her family, she acted like she was the Queen of the fucking universe and walked around using her brother as a man servant. It seems that a regular topic of the show is how the characters completely change when money and good fortune is involved, even sweet little Ashley is corrupted by money and to think Will was sent to Bel Air to have a better upbringing. Sure he has more money at his disposal, but to be honest I’d rather be poor and nice than rich and arrogant.

Speaking of rich and arrogant we have Carlton (Alfonso Riberio) who is easily one of the worst people not only on this list, but on the overall series of these blogs. This is a man completely obsessed with money, now some might say he is just ambitious, but that simply isn’t true. Carlton refuses to even acknowledge those with less money most of the time and when he does he is such a total and utter dick that you want to strangle him with his stupid sweater vest. The guy is so tear inducingly arrogant you wonder if the show’s writers actually like the character. That’s not even the worst thing however; Carlton is constantly worried about his inheritance, that’s right he is not so bothered if he father dies as long as he gets a sizeable chunk of his money. I suspect a lot of people would at least let this cross their mind, it’s only natural to think about what might get left to you but it’s not natural to bring it up again and again and to constantly fret that your actions might cause you to lose it. Never mind though we always have the funny Carlton dance to distract us from his master prickery.

If you thought Carlton was a prick however just wait until you meet his sister Hilary (Karyn Parsons). Hilary is your typical valley girl type; she speaks with that ridiculous upward inflection all the time and it appears that instead of a brain she simply had a balloon filled with the stupidest air available stuffed into her head. Like many of the other characters she is incredibly arrogant and obsessed with money with a tendency to spit on those beneath her. However unlike Carlton who despite his flaws is likeable most of the time, I really can’t remember any instance of this happening with Hilary. She is incredibly lazy and expects the Butler Geoffrey to do absolutely everything for her and when he is unable she complains like a child. She is the epitome of a spoiled brat, in fact in a flashback sequence showing her character as a child she was already on her way to being megabitch 5000, but she was a child so it’s forgivable. However when you reach your 20’s and 30’s it just isn’t. One of the main running jokes on the show centres around Hilary constantly asking her father for money to go shopping, yet she doesn’t contribute around the house financially whatsoever even when she becomes a television presenter which would likely earn her a sizable pay check. Seriously Hilary I think we need to have a talk because your behaviour has become unacceptable and this makes my sad little life a bit less tolerable.

I have saved the best for last it seems. Now this wasn’t meant to be in any particular order and to be honest I think Hilary and Carlton are worse than Will’s character, but because he is the focal point of the show I thought it was best for him to the final discussion topic. Unlike the others Will was raised in poverty and so he sees through the whole arrogance because of money schitck. Unfortunately his character is arrogant in a different way, his vanity centres around the ladies. Now in real life Will Smith is considered attractive and so on and that’s fine, however in the show there is nobody that fancies Will more than the man himself. He constantly brings up just how great looking he is, just how good he is with the ladies and so forth. However Will is kinda totally sexist, his chat up lines centre around how he is going to screw the particular woman and if you skip to about 1.02 in this YouTube clip below his method of seduction is a tad rapey[7]

Remember when I mentioned making fun of Uncle Phil’s obesity? Well Will is the king of that, he constantly calls his Uncle, the man who has taken into his home and put him through school fat and can be pretty darn cruel about it. Of course it is all done in good humour for the show, but just imagine something like that in real life, his lack of respect would not go down so well in other cases. Add to that the constant piss taking of his cousin Carlton for not being a very good black man which is actually quite racist when you come to think about it. As you see that Will can sometimes be a bit of a penis or as he would call it a big willy, shame on you, you dirty boy.

Well well well, there we have it, all done and dusted it’s about time for me to hit the old dusty trail. One does hope that these blogs weren’t overly ranty[8] and I don’t come across as a cynical dick muncher.[9] You must not forget that I like all these shows and the horrible things these characters do actually make me laugh and I don’t just sit there getting madder and madder at them, which I will save until I am at least 40 and the world has long since passed me by.

Bye kids!

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[1] That concept would make a good theme song don’t you think?

[2] Will Smith is the actor and the characters name because come on its Will freaking Smith.

[3] See theme song.

[4] More on that hilarious topic later.

[5] Well technically Nicky is the youngest, but I won’t pick on him because he is like 4 years old and everyone knows children that age are purely evil anyway, let’s take that as read.

[6] That’s music industry speak for total and utter bitchface

[7] Sure Jordan from Scrubs looks as if she is enjoy it, but she could just be afraid that the man humping her leg might murder her if she tells him to go away.

[8] Though they totally were.

[9] Which I totally do.

TV Characters = Horrible People Number 2

So yeah I did say that people wouldn’t have to wait for long for the next in this little series of blogs I was doing, but I had work this week and simply could not be arsed to do it when I got home. Still I doubt people are reeeeeally that bothered are they? I mean the majority of people who see this are those that search for the picture of the homophobic seal which I put in one of my entries, which to be honest says a lot about the human race.[1]

Anywho lets just get on with it shall we. As you all know I am writing about TV characters who in real life would be pretty awful people, once again I realise that they are characters and that they are supposed to be over the top but just shut up.

For numero 2 in this little series I have decided to pick one of the most popular American sitcoms ever Friends!!!!

Ok so in the last entry I only really focused on two characters because Peep Show really does focus primarily on two people, but when it comes to Friends there are far more main characters, I say far more there are 6 altogether, so 4 more, but fuck it that is a lot so again shut up. So what I am essentially saying is that it won’t be the same as the last one, I know I know but don’t panic it will be fine, let’s just all get on the blog bus next stop bullshit.

Let’s start with the boys shall we

I will start off with the least intolerable character of friends, Mr Chandler Bing. Now Chandler can be irritating, for instance it’s a little annoying when someone replies sarcastically to everything you say[2] and so it seems that Chandler can rarely take anything seriously, though most of the time he is funny. However other times Chandler can come across as extremely arrogant in terms of how he responds to his best friends. There are a lot of times where Joey is the victim of Chandler’s quite vicious wit. There was even an episode where a bet was made between the group whereupon Chandler was not allowed to make fun of them and he simply could not bear to just be nice to them for a change, eventually giving in and laying into all of them. Despite all of this however I find Chandler to be the most identifiable character for me and most of the time he really is trying to make people laugh, perhaps trying a little too hard some of the time.

Then of course we have Ross Gellar, the smart Jewish one who is a bit of a nerd, did I hear someone say stereotype? Anyway, Ross again isn’t too bad but of course he has his flaws. Much like Chandler he is extremely arrogant about his intelligence. I remember an early episode in which Phoebe points out that she doesn’t believe in evolution, this drives Ross nuts and he spends the rest of the episode hounding her attempting to show her she is wrong. Ross much like his sister Monica has an irritating competitive streak and he can never ever be wrong. Now I don’t know about you but that is an extremely irritating character trait in people, being competitive is fine, but being so competitive that you annoy the other person into submission is more annoying than having Piers Morgan over for dinner, every night for a week whilst he has taken pills to emphasise his monumental dickery. Then of course there is the whole ‘we were on a break’ situation, I suppose I should take the guys side in that instance, but I am sorry, sleeping with someone hours after you thought you broke up with someone is not cool bro, especially if that woman is someone you have loved since you were a kid.

And finally in terms of the primary male characters we have Joey Tribbiani. Joey is regularly portrayed as something as a lovable oaf with limited intelligence. There are essentially two Joey’s. You have early friends Joey who is dumb but can function properly, and then you have later seasons Joey who is borderline retarded.[3]Now one of the worst things about Joey has to be his womanising; now obviously there are guys who sleep with lots of women and hey its fine I guess. However Joey literally sleeps with seemingly everyone and apparently he never ceases to dump them after each one night stand. We have a word for people like that and it’s a whore. I’m sorry but sleeping with hundreds of women to the point where you can’t actually remember who you have been with is the sign of a pretty shitty human being. He also scrounges of Chandler an incredible amount, Chandler pays for acting lessons, headshots, rent as well as all the bills so there is that. Also he has quite the sense of entitlement, seemingly thinking he is the best actor in the world when really he is pretty bog standard, so yeah in real life Joey would be just the sort of douche bag you see on Jersey Shore or a show to that degree and I fucking hate those people like a lot.

Ok so on to the women, remember this isn’t in order, meaning that I don’t think the women are worse than the men and I am not a sexist or anything like that, so calm down ladies don’t get on your period about it and maybe we can go shoe shopping or something as a treat.

Right well first off there is Rachel, the spoiled rich brat. Yep straight into it here, Rachel at first takes a while to realise that she isn’t rich anymore and that she can’t just have things handed to her. To be fair she does eventually settle into life as a poor person probably thanks to living with Monica. To be honest Rachel isn’t that bad, there are a couple of occasions where she is kinda slutty, like when she meets Paulo who despite speaking absolutely no English manages to have a fairly long relationship with her. I mean a woman who sleeps with a guy just because he is Italian is pretty bad especially considering Ross was head over heels in love with her at the time, she didn’t know this, but in real life it would have been extremely obvious. Nevertheless Rachel I am putting you as my favourite female character of the show which will be a great conversation topic if I ever meet Jennifer Aniston.

You remember when I talked about how competitiveness can be irritating, you should do I said it about 500 words ago. Well that brings us nicely on to Monica, if you thought Ross was overly competitive then boy howdy is Monica a piece of work. Rarely is she wrong, and rarely does she lose, however when this does happen her reaction is that of a grade A bitch, she constantly demands to have another try and she refuses to accept that she isn’t the best at everything. There is of course the episode where she finds out that she isn’t very good at giving massages and ends up in tears unable to believe that she can’t do something. The only way to placate her is for Chandler to say that she gives the best bad massages. Now this is a tactic that is normally saved for crying children, when they are upset you tell them a lie to make them feel better like the dog didn’t die, he just went to live on a farm, or no of course mummy and daddies divorce wasn’t your fault, it’s not like your birth ruined our lives, and so on. Then of course there is the episode where Phoebe tells her she is high maintenance and Monica’s reaction is to demand an explanation and harass her, eventually tricking Chandler into giving a speech about how easy going she is, essentially proving that she is so high maintenance that it would take several well trained engineers just to get her to shut the fuck up. So yeah that’s Monica.

Dum dum dum, its time for the last character and of course that is Phoebe Buffay, who even in the show is kind of a bitch. That’s right, whilst each character is accentuated for comic effect in the show, Phoebe is just flat out a bad person. She is pretty stupid, but having been left homeless at a young age she can’t be blamed for that. However her arrogance and contempt shown for her friends is one of the worst things, most of this is reserved for Chandler though. There is one episode where she apparently finds Monica’s soul mate and attempts to set her up with him, now that would be a pretty nice thing to do for a friend but only if your friend wasn’t engaged to another of your very close friends. Seriously she deems it just fine to try and break up a happy relationship for absolutely no reason I mean what the hell you dumb hippy. Then there was the time where Chandler had to move to Tulsa and whilst saying his goodbyes she pushes him out of the door, she consistently insults Chandler[4] and undermines Rachel and Monica. Oh yeah she thinks she is a musical genius as well, completely oblivious to the fact that she is tone deaf and can’t actually play the guitar.

Well well, that was fun wasn’t it? We had some laughs[5] and we learned a few things.[6] I will now do my standard defence of the subject matter, yes I am aware these aren’t real people and yes I am aware that they are exaggerated for comic effect, Friends is one of my favourite shows and I still watch it now. Nevertheless if these people were real they would mostly suck, especially Phoebe, and if Joey was real I might go mad at his stupidity and just end up repeatedly slapping him upside the head and calling him a stupid boy. Anyways, I am sure you are all pissing yourself with anticipation to find out which show will be my number 1, well you won’t have long to find out[7] and I promise it will be more shocking than that time Prince Harry skull fucked the corpse of a dead Taliban soldier whilst dressed up as Darth Vader.[8]

Goodbye and may the odds be ever in your favour[9]

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[1] Myself Included

[2] Believe me, I do this all the time...

[3] Watch the episode where he tries to learn French if you don’t believe me, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when you want to punch yourself just so you can punch something

[4] Though he does return the favour periodically

[5] Nope that’s not true at all

[6] Also not true

[7] That’s a hattrick of lies for you

[8] I am assuming this will happen in the interim of me proof reading this and posting it, the dirty boy!

[9] I watched The Hunger Games again today.