You see what happens when you create humans God, this is what bloody happens!

Remember when I said I’d write a series of blogs? No? Well piss off then... Just kidding, I am not even going to write a series, but this one will be related to the last blog so it is a series, confused? Good then let us begin.

Now as you my loyal readers will know I have something of a dislike for celebrities, not all of them, I’m mainly talking the type of celebrity that is famous for being famous; the type of person who gets in papers and magazines simply for going to a party or by going to rehab. That does seem to be quite a popular pass time when it comes to celebrities doesn’t it? I recently saw a news story that Lindsay Lohan has been released from prison, I don’t know why she was in there, maybe she sucked off the president and didn’t swallow or something. I am assuming it’s something like that because that is what her career equates to these days.

Lindsay Lohan is the perfect example of the ‘troubled’ celebrity, the thing is I can feel my cynicism boiling again and yes Lindsay I do not believe you. You know how she stays in the public eye? By getting arrested, she then goes to rehab and we aren’t talking real rehab, no, we aren’t talking about what is basically a hospital where you share a room with a 24 year old heroin addict who has intense stomach cramps and paranoid delusions about whether or not toasters are secretly aliens sent from Mars to monitor our brain activity. The type of ‘rehab’ that Lindsay Lohan and co go to is normally some sort of health clinic that probably costs about $4000 a day, that has lots of pools and saunas and plenty of massage, maybe with the occasional meeting about the fact that you shoved a syringe into your anus to get high, but even then you have a lots of kittens purring and nudging you to make sure you are happy. You know how people like the Lohan pay for this sort of shit; I will give you a rundown of how her life functions shall I.

So say she has just left rehab, first port of call is her agent and the conversation goes like this:

Lindsay: ‘hey dude, I’ve just got back from my vacation... I mean rehab, and I need some money for like loads of drugs, are there any modelling agencies who want to take pictures of my hot tits’?

The agent says fuck all because he is dancing around the room thinking about what he is going to spend all his money on. After this of course, Lindsay gets caught driving under the influence of coke or monkey urine or some shit, naturally she gets arrested, but luckily she has was driving right past the annual paparazzi photographer conference so there are plenty of people to take her picture. The next step is to get to call her agent again, the conversation goes as follows.

‘Sup my man, so I’m like totally screwed and they say I might go to prison, can you like get me a lawyer or something so I can just go on vacation... I mean go to rehab again bro?

Once again the agent is laughing all the way to his fucking bank. And there you go that’s how it works, she might do the occasional movie where she plays a stripper (must have been really hard to get into character for that one, hey Lindsay?) but most of the time this is what her life consists of. It’s not just her though, there are loads of other twats that do this, but nobody cares because it’s interesting to watch people fuck up their lives apparently.

The celebrities are bad enough, but the people who actually care are worse, you should all be ashamed, now line up while I smack you all in the face as hard as I bloody can.

This blog is sooooo sexist, seriously ladies do not read it!

I’m honestly not in a bad mood all the time I swear, it’s just there are so many intensely annoying people on this plant, and sadly a large proportion of them are in the world of show business, so it’s practically impossible to avoid hearing about it. Sure you can try and not read things, you can try and avoid certain T.V programmes, but chances are you can’t completely shut yourself off from it all. So anyway I thought I would do a series of blogs about little things celebrities do that piss me off, first off is pregnancy!

 I got reminded of this, this morning when I saw a picture of Jessica Simpson posing nude whilst pregnant, and before you say it, I wasn’t looking for that sort of thing it appeared on a celebrity news story on a non – porn website ok. It was one of those ‘tastefully’ down photos where she had her hand cradling her belly whilst the other cupped her breasts, she didn’t need to be topless to be honest, but hey I’m not a photographer and there is no way I would have wanted to see a pregnant ladies vagina, I haven’t seen one since I was born myself and I don’t plan on seeing one again until I have to.

But anyway, what the fuck is with that crap. It’s not the first celebrity I have seen pose nude whilst holding their pregnant belly. Why are you doing that? I mean I get that being pregnant is a big thing in a woman’s life and I think these pictures are taken to make pregnant women feel good about the way they look, which I also understand. My problem is that celebrities have turned pregnancy and having baby into a career. It seems that getting pregnant is tantamount to say, getting an acting role.

Lets choose an example shall we, I’m going to go with Sonya from Eastenders. Now, she left Eastenders, for some unknown reason, she obviously doesn’t know the rule that once you leave Eastenders you will never get another decent acting job ever! But yeah she left and nobody heard from her for a long time, then, boom she was pregnant, suddenly she was giving interviews and talking about being a mother. My question is, why? Why do magazines and shitty TV programmes assume that anyone would care? The answer is because people in general are absolute FUCKING morons, because people would rather read Hello magazine than an actual book. Speaking of books, you know what comes after Sonya or any other of the numerous celebrity people creators? Books is the answer, they write fucking books about it, we need these books you see, because despite the fact that our species have been having babies for millions of years now, we still know nothing about babies. I use the word book fairly lightly here; I think a good nonfiction book has to have at least something interesting or important to say. But these books contain mothering tips; hey here is a tip, if you don’t know how to look after a child DONT HAVE A FUCKING CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If Myleene fucking class needs to tell you how to look after your children, then I feel sorry for your kids because they will likely inherit your mental retardation.

But what comes after that book, well there is another fucking book, about how you survived post natal depression. Now I am not for one second saying that post natal depression isn’t a serious issue, I am sure that it is horrible. The problem is, I just don’t believe half of these celebrities who claim to have had it. I mean, have you seen the amount of publicity and *cough* money they gain from it? Call me cynical, but fuck them seriously. The books never stop though it seems, next up is how to work and have a child, then how to plan your child’s first birthday party, how to plan the second, how to plan the third... how to plan the seventh which by now is slightly different because your child has developed a modicum of social awareness and will actually give a shit about who is there and what you are doing, you get the idea.

I sincerely thank females for going through labour and helping to preserve our species, it’s just that the species that they are preserving is so incredibly stupid and they maintain a culture that is completely obsessed with bullshit. I am assuming that all this pregnancy garbage is aimed at women, well ok, but seriously women of this world, there is a lot more to life than having babies and being obsessed with celebrities. You have fought for centuries now just to get some sort of equality with men, for God’s sake stop being so bloody stereotypical.

I don’t quite get how I got all of this by just casually seeing one picture in the corner of my screen (again I was not looking for naked pictures of Jessica Simpson ok) but I guess that’s just how my mind works, I see something insignificant and I get pissed off about it... Hold on, that’s not good... fuck!

Straight outta Compton yo !!!

Continuing with my theme of posting stuff I wrote for the Uni paper, this is something that I wrote that never got published. That’s journalism for you.

p.s. I have added lots of swears, that’s not the reason it didn’t go in you cockmanglers.

I’m a third year history student and therefore I watch quite a lot of television. And let me tell you, there is nothing else in life that get me riled up to such a degree that I feel like attaching myself to a rocket and firing myself to Mars. This is down to the many terrible TV shows that appear on screen every week, but also often  it’s because of certain individuals who truly annoy me. Either way television never fails to make me to swear quite a lot, fuck, shit, if you don’t get off of my screen I swear to Thor that I will hunt you down and kill you in front of your family, you fucking shit. You get the idea.

First up has to be ‘comedian’ Andy Parsons, despite being a mainstay of ‘Mock the Week’ he just isn’t funny dammit! I mean for goodness sake, can someone please tell him that reading the tabloids and re – telling the stories in a funny voice does not make you a comedian. And I swear if I he does that thing where he walks on to camera nods and doesn’t say anything one more time, I will hit him with something, preferably something large, like a tyre for a monster truck.

Despite being a bit of a geek... oh who am I kidding, I am a massive geek, I do like my sports. But what I don’t like, are sports pundits, It never fails to amaze me just how much they point out the bloody obvious and make it sound like they know what they are talking about because they are ‘experts’ (in inverted commas so large that they practically crush the word!). The main culprits have to be Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson of Match of The Day fame, or Tweedle Dee and Tweedle ‘shut the hell up you impossibly annoying Scottish bellend’ Dee. To use one of their oft used clichés I have run out of words to describe them. Alan Hansen really is the epitome of the bad football pundit. Ask him how to play football and he will go on for days about tactics and how to not be diabolical, without actually telling you that all you need to do is kick a ball into the net. As for Mark Lawrenson, he actually makes my pancreas ache, i’ve never been aware of my pancreas before so bravo Lawrenson you twat.

But the worst, the all out fucking horrible worst has to be Take Me Out. I honestly cannot describe how much I hate this programme. I don’t just hate it because its hip to dislike Saturday evening television. I actually have a moral objection to the concept of the show. We live in a world where we are told not to judge people on appearances, but that its ok to create a television show where one of the main criteria is judging people on appearances. I realise that the idiot women on this show get to see a little video clip of why they should date whichever walking fucking cockmotron comes down that bloody lift. However before this they get an opportunity to turn off their light the moment they see him, without actually finding out what the person is like. Well go fuck yourself if that’s how you live your life seriously, because you aren’t going to find a successful relationship with thinking like that. Everytime I have seen this show, which isn’t often I must admit, such is my pure fucking hatred, the people never click on their ‘dates’, I am assuming this is down to the fact that the guy had a nice arse so you picked him. It doesn’t work like that you fucking orang-utans, it really doesn’t. As for the host of Take Me Out, I at one time thought Paddy Mcguinness was funny, until I saw a bit of this show. The guy is a comedy black hole, he is well suited to Saturday evening T.V. which by association makes him well suited to have his arms ripped off by rhinos and then fed to a hive of bullet ants, whilst Susan Boyle sits on his face.

Ok... breathe... ok, i’m fine now, but seriously my main source of entertainment really can be my main source of annoyance these days. Never mind anyway, Merry Christmas Everybody !!!!!!!

This movie is old now, but who are you to judge you Nazi bastard

Continuing with my theme of simply posting stuff I wrote for the paper, A.K.A. I can’t think of anything to write about just now, so I am just posting stuff that I have already written. Here is the review I did of Johnny English Reborn. ‘I don’t give a fuck, this is what I want to do’, Winston Churchill said that.

Ever wondered what it would be like if Mr Bean was a government spy. Well you need wonder no more; all you have to do is watch Johnny English Reborn – the second instalment in the franchise.

Rowan Atkinson returns as the hapless secret agent Johnny English who since the first movie has been removed from MI7 because of a mysterious mission failure in Mozambique which cause Johnny to twitch every time it is mentioned, but that’s not important just yet.

If you are someone who is going to see this movie or is thinking about it, you should not be expecting what I would deem a great movie. In the sense that the opening scenes have Johnny living as a Buddhist monk in some sort of mountain temple, the opening few minutes of the movie simply consist as a series of strength tests that Johnny has to go through, including pulling a rock along the ground with his testicles. Something I’m sure all Buddhists have to go through at one point on their way to achieving spiritual Nirvana. Despite the ridiculousness of this, I laughed, I’m not ashamed to admit that seeing Rowan Atkinson perform such a feat was amusing to me. You won’t see him winning any Oscars for it, but hey this is not a true film buffs film.

The rest of the movie follows on a similar path to the opening. There is plenty of slapstick humour with lots of Johnny English, falling over, getting hit in the end with various objects and also quite a hilarious chase scene where he walks not runs after a man who had tried to kill him, but simply ‘using his mind’ to get around the various obstacles that confront him.

But what of the plot? Well that doesn’t exactly take long to explain. Basically a team of assassins wish to kill the Chinese Premier, why? That is never explained but as I said this a movie you watch to see people fall over and walk into doors etc. Anyway, Johnny English is charged with stopping this team of assassins and he of course makes numerous errors along the way and without wanting to spoil it too much, he fails to spot many things that are right in front of him.

Along the way Johnny is eagerly assisted by his assistant Tucker played by Daniel Kaluuya of Skins fame. Tucker is a young up and coming secret agent who is both confused and impressed by the English’s actions, but by the end he has come of age and is a proper agent and blah blah blah, cliché etc

In summary, this really wasn’t a bad film. If you are a film buff it won’t go down as one of the greats, but if you want to go to a film to be amused then it’s worth a watch because despite its problems it is funny. It would have been a lot better if Ben Miller had reprised his role as Bough from the first movie, but still there is enough there for an enjoyable movie.

A review of music!

As none of you will know i’m sure, I once worked for my universities newspaper the UniVerse as the entertainments editor, sadly these days I have moved onto bigger and brighter things. Anyway, I did write an album review, which come to think of it actually went in the uni’s magazine Blue Moon, so yeeeeeeeah, this is the review here, its slightly different in that I haven’t tried to be funny, there is also no swearing as it was for a newspaper and I wasn’t allowed, but i’ll make up for it here, TITS!!! Oh and also its a review of Simple Desire by All Mankind.

All Mankind are an Australian rock/indie band from Eastwood in Sydney, Australia. The group consists of Richard Beeston (vocals, rhythm guitar & keyboard), David Beeston (drums), Daniel Mayes AKA Dorny (guitar) and Gavin Perkins (bass)

I suppose they could be loosely called stadium rock, as I can imagine seeing them do a show with lasers and synthesisers over the vocals.

The band released their debut album Simple Desire on the 3^rd of October 2011 and on first impressions I was impressed. I must admit on hearing the opening track ‘Open Your Eyes, I immediately thought – is this the Killers? However as the album progresses, despite being noticeable, it does becomes less obvious.

Starting off with the second track, ‘Break the Spell’ which for me is one of the stand out tracks of the album (it’s also on the soundtrack for FIFA 12 gamer nerds!), I have to say, I do like the use of keyboards more and more in music now days and this song uses it to great effect to create a nicely rounded song.

Another song that grabbed my attention was the album’s title track ‘Simple Desire’ which sees a slight change in pace for the album, as the three tracks proceeding it were somewhat quicker and more jumpy. ‘Simple Desire’ slows it write down and provides a good opportunity to sample Richard Beeston’s voice which does stand up to many other singers out there.

As I have already mentioned, All Makind’s sound can be compared to that of the Killers, but there is also a touch of Coldplay and U2 thrown in. This is fairly noticeable in the albums middle tracks ‘Lover’s Song’ and ‘Can You Hear Me?’ – which for me is one of the weaker tracks of the album, mainly because it sounds a bit like a cheap knock off of a U2 track and as someone who isn’t a fan of U2 this did not go down too well with me. This is followed by another rather pedestrian track ‘To Live’ which again didn’t really excite me.

However the album picks up again with the next track ‘Magic Moment’ which is easily my favourite track of the album. The mixture of a slightly harder rock sound with occasional bursts of acoustic and softer rock certainly caught my attention, and it served as a good precursor to another favourite track of mine ‘Hollywood Tonight’ - one of the bands more lyrically succinct songs.

The final two tracks of the album ‘I’ve Been Looking For This’ and ‘Lay Me Down’ provide a fairly quiet end to the album, but I feel they serve as a quite relaxing conclusion as a whole.

So there we are that’s All Mankind’s ‘Simple Desire’ for you. All in all I would recommend this album to those who are fans of Indie music and who like to listen to bands such as The Killers, U2, Keane or Muse as this album is likely to satisfy your musical tastes. Despite a few teething problems which can be expected of a debut album it’s well worth a listen and you can find them on ITunes, and also check out their debut single ‘Break The Spell’ which is available on YouTube with its accompanying music video.

Ratings wise I am going to give the album a 6/10, but you never know that may change as I listen to the album more, as so often happens with me.

Its not elementary, but its not exactly academic either... SHERLOCK!!!

Seriously how freaking good is Sherlock? I am talking about the most recent BBC adaptation starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. Its honestly one of the best TV series I have seen in years, also Guy Ritchie’s movie version is totally freaking awesome as well. If you don’t agree with me, firstly, shut up and secondly I am going to tell you why both the movie and the series are great.

Let’s start with the movie shall we.  Well having not read any of the literature around Sherlock Holmes before seeing the movie I was quite uneducated on the character (I have since read Hound of the Baskervilles, good book, read it, read it now!). However I did have this image of some sort of fusty old Englishman with a pipe and big hat, you know the stereotypical image of him. So I was pleasantly surprised to see the movie and be presented with one truly bad-ass detective. I also expected the movie to be a bit slower and more set around Holmes special abilities as an investigator, that is there, but there are also some really cool fight scenes, explosions and chases, making it a really good action movie. I say movie, I’m really talking about both the films that have been made so far by Guy Ritchie, the second one being my favourite, but each is great on its own merit. The reinvention of Sherlock Holmes was done really well I thought without abandoning the true essence of the character. You still have the amazingly quick investigative brain of Sherlock, and the humorous and loyal friendship of Dr Watson. Speaking of Dr Watson, since when was Jude Law cool? I was never a fan of him before, but then all of a sudden he has taken the character of Watson, who had previously been somewhat of a bumbling sidekick and turned him into a pretty tough foil to Robert Downey Junior’s Sherlock Holmes. Seriously I wanted to dislike Jude Law but I physically couldn’t, and I put that down to good acting and a very genuine chemistry between him and Downey Jr. I even love the music to this movie, I don’t care if it’s not every critic’s cup of tea, I think it rules and I really hope they make a third.

You know what’s cool though? Whilst I have to wait for a potential third movie, I have the TV series to keep me happy. I actually think I might prefer the TV series, that’s not a bad mark against the movie; it’s just that with a TV series there is more freedom to explore the characters and more of an opportunity to explore the various Sherlock Holmes stories. There are so many things I like about this series. Most of all it has to be the acting and the characters. Benedict Cumberbatch really shows what a good actor he is as Sherlock. He really seems to find the balance between the brilliant mind of Sherlock Holmes against the slightly unhinged sociopathic side to his character. Alongside him, Martin Freeman does very well as Watson I feel, he doesn’t quite have the bad-assery of Jude Law’s Watson from the movies, but he more than makes up for that with a darker and more cynical character, who still manages to be the perfect foil to Sherlock. The one stand out character for me though has to be Dr Moriaty played by Andrew Scott. The guy is completely insane and Scott plays insane really well, I also think the fact that he is Irish adds a little something extra to the character, for some reason the accent just makes him seem all the more intimidating, and that’s something considering he isn’t a big guy or a very imposing figure. All of this means that the stories never drag and you never really notice that each episode is 90 minutes long, pretty much TV – movie length.

What you get with the two adaptations of the famous story is the perfect balance between all out Hollywood style action, and well crafted and extremely well written drama. Each has brilliant acting in my opinion and the performances are very appropriate for what each project is trying to do. I really am looking forward to the third film instalment, if there is one and also the third series, which is coming up later this year if I remember correctly either way both are awesome, both deserve plaudits and if anyone fancies hiring me to be a writer or anything that is the tiniest bit involved with either project, then I will literally slap the pope for the opportunity.

Safe House Review (sorry I couldn't think of a pithy title for this one).

I thought I’d actually do something useful with this whole blog business, instead of just explaining why Facebook needs to have some sort of idiot cleansing and a discussion of why turtles are secretly fooling all of us, (more on that later) but nevertheless, seeing as I went to the cinema I thought I would do a little movie review.

Safe House is the movie in question, and looking at the cast, it looks like it could be a winner. The main character is Matthew Weston, played by Ryan ‘I’m allergic to my shirt’ Reynolds, Tobin Frost played by Denzel ‘easily in the top ten of the coolest dudes on the planet’ Washington. The movie itself is a straight up action, and by that I mean plenty of car chases, lots of people getting shot, more than enough fight scenes and TWO! Instances of guys lying on top of each other whilst trying to plunge a sharp object into the others chest, whilst the other desperately battles to push him in the opposite direction. So if you are a fan of movies that get the adrenaline going, then I will say from the off its worth seeing, it certainly made me jump about 3 or 4 times, and I am pretty sure the director did that on purpose because he hates cinema audiences.

The best thing about this film, is also the worst thing about it sadly; the plot. The actual storyline is quite innovative in my opinion, sure it has the old cliché of a guy who has betrayed his country and is now desperately pursued by secret agents, (one  of whom is corrupt naturally), who want to have him silenced. That plotline has been used so often now, I’m beginning to think that all secret agents at some point have to betray their country in order to get that promotion that they have been gunning for, but it always goes to Anderson because he kisses the bosses arse. Anyway, I got a bit lost in whimsy there. The new derivation of this idea is pretty much what the title says. Ryan Reynolds plays a guy whose job it is, is to guard a secret ‘safe house,’ which is essentially a location where suspects are brought for interrogation away from the prying eyes of everyone but those involved in the case. Reynolds character has been house sitting this particular property for 12 months and is keen to actually do something other than sit on his arse all day and hook up with his hot French girlfriend (yes of course he has a hot French girlfriend, its Ryan freaking Reynolds). Naturally Denzel Washington, the aforementioned traitor, has to spoil things when he is brought to the safe house to be interrogated. It literally takes about 10 minutes before dudes with machines guns burst in to kill everyone including Frost; they don’t succeed though thanks to a panicky Weston, who manages to engineer an escape. The rest of the film follows Weston’s attempts to keep his prisoner safe and transport him to another safe house, whilst also trying to avoid those who were supposed to be helping him.

I will say this, the movie is pretty exciting and very fast paced, which sadly leads to its downfall. The problem is the plot is simply too big for the movie, I felt there was a lot more room for character development, even though it’s an action film, there was still wasn’t enough exploration of characters, such as Weston’s girlfriend played by Nora Arnezeder, who quite frankly may as well have not been there, she was clearly there just to make Reynolds character look more human compared to the cold hearted character of Tobin Frost. Also Brendan Gleeson is far too good an actor to have such a reduced role, although as good as he is, his American accent is terrible and he seemed to give up and just go back to Irish half way through. Overall the acting is pretty solid though, Washington rarely lets you down, and Reynolds is a lot better than someone who just spends most of his movies topless.

Overall then my response to this film was a bit meh, the acting was good, I thought the plot was a good idea, but the script was a bit thin and there were too many ‘action’ sequences which seemed to have just been edited in when there was nothing else to move the movie forward. Also I guessed who the bad guy was pretty much straight away, it wasn’t very well disguised at all. I hate giving number ratings, because they are always so arbitrary, but if I had to give it a rating out of 5 I’d go for 2.5/5