Straight outta Compton yo !!!

Continuing with my theme of posting stuff I wrote for the Uni paper, this is something that I wrote that never got published. That’s journalism for you.

p.s. I have added lots of swears, that’s not the reason it didn’t go in you cockmanglers.

I’m a third year history student and therefore I watch quite a lot of television. And let me tell you, there is nothing else in life that get me riled up to such a degree that I feel like attaching myself to a rocket and firing myself to Mars. This is down to the many terrible TV shows that appear on screen every week, but also often  it’s because of certain individuals who truly annoy me. Either way television never fails to make me to swear quite a lot, fuck, shit, if you don’t get off of my screen I swear to Thor that I will hunt you down and kill you in front of your family, you fucking shit. You get the idea.

First up has to be ‘comedian’ Andy Parsons, despite being a mainstay of ‘Mock the Week’ he just isn’t funny dammit! I mean for goodness sake, can someone please tell him that reading the tabloids and re – telling the stories in a funny voice does not make you a comedian. And I swear if I he does that thing where he walks on to camera nods and doesn’t say anything one more time, I will hit him with something, preferably something large, like a tyre for a monster truck.

Despite being a bit of a geek... oh who am I kidding, I am a massive geek, I do like my sports. But what I don’t like, are sports pundits, It never fails to amaze me just how much they point out the bloody obvious and make it sound like they know what they are talking about because they are ‘experts’ (in inverted commas so large that they practically crush the word!). The main culprits have to be Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson of Match of The Day fame, or Tweedle Dee and Tweedle ‘shut the hell up you impossibly annoying Scottish bellend’ Dee. To use one of their oft used clichés I have run out of words to describe them. Alan Hansen really is the epitome of the bad football pundit. Ask him how to play football and he will go on for days about tactics and how to not be diabolical, without actually telling you that all you need to do is kick a ball into the net. As for Mark Lawrenson, he actually makes my pancreas ache, i’ve never been aware of my pancreas before so bravo Lawrenson you twat.

But the worst, the all out fucking horrible worst has to be Take Me Out. I honestly cannot describe how much I hate this programme. I don’t just hate it because its hip to dislike Saturday evening television. I actually have a moral objection to the concept of the show. We live in a world where we are told not to judge people on appearances, but that its ok to create a television show where one of the main criteria is judging people on appearances. I realise that the idiot women on this show get to see a little video clip of why they should date whichever walking fucking cockmotron comes down that bloody lift. However before this they get an opportunity to turn off their light the moment they see him, without actually finding out what the person is like. Well go fuck yourself if that’s how you live your life seriously, because you aren’t going to find a successful relationship with thinking like that. Everytime I have seen this show, which isn’t often I must admit, such is my pure fucking hatred, the people never click on their ‘dates’, I am assuming this is down to the fact that the guy had a nice arse so you picked him. It doesn’t work like that you fucking orang-utans, it really doesn’t. As for the host of Take Me Out, I at one time thought Paddy Mcguinness was funny, until I saw a bit of this show. The guy is a comedy black hole, he is well suited to Saturday evening T.V. which by association makes him well suited to have his arms ripped off by rhinos and then fed to a hive of bullet ants, whilst Susan Boyle sits on his face.

Ok... breathe... ok, i’m fine now, but seriously my main source of entertainment really can be my main source of annoyance these days. Never mind anyway, Merry Christmas Everybody !!!!!!!