I know I said I would be reviewing Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban next, however after a debate with my housemate I felt compelled to provide my thoughts on an absolute monstrosity of cinema. The Expendables !
Well where to begin; let’s start with the plot shall we. Ok we are done... just kidding but I’m not exaggerating that much, the lack of an original storyline for a film that received so much hype was utterly astonishing. It is the same old tired plot that has been spewed out in numerous unimaginative action films of the past. Somewhere in a lawless country there is a brutal military dictator, the American government has so far failed to attack them with grenade launchers and fighter jets. Therefore it is down to Sylvester Stallone and his gang of rabble rousers to go in single handed and defeat this man who is killing innocent people. Their methods... go in and shoot the fuck out of anyone who is holding a gun. So yeah there is your plot, there really isn’t much else to tell in all honesty.
Of course with a bad plot comes bad writing and this movie is a prime example of Stallone sitting down with a pen and writing ‘And the man said Fuck you and then shot the man in the face.’ I am of course being sarcastic, but watching this film really made me wonder how the script made it past studio executives. My prime example of this hastily written script is the appearance of Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose inexplicable cameo can only be explained as a means of getting people into the cinema. In fact, if I had been writing the film and that moment in the script came up I can imagine the response. Why is this character here, he has very few lines, makes no impact on the plot and has no purpose in the story whatsoever. Even Mickey Rourke in my opinion fails to make the writing seem believable. Rourke’s role despite his obvious acting abilities is agonisingly small and I can’t help but feel that a bigger role for him in the film would have helped it just that little bit, but alas we have Jason Statham, who can kick people lest we forget.
Where shall we go next, oh yes the special effects of the film. In other words, the bit where things get blown up, people get shot and planes attack a small docking bay (yes that bit actually happens). This film was billed as some sort of spectacular action extravaganza that united all the action stars of the past. Therefore one would expect an impressive array of special effects and pyrotechnics, sadly this is merely another area that this film fails to meet expectations. Of course there are plenty of guns and explosions, but it is nothing we haven’t seen before in any number of action films, from Aliens to Die Hard. By far my favourite moment of the film however is the moment when Terry Crew’s character (the hilariously named Hale Caesar) blows up a sniper tower with want can only be described as a machine gun that fires cannon balls. That one moment just about summed up the film for me; whenever the plot was going nowhere someone would just blow something up or kill the nearest henchman in any number of brutal ways.
To put it bluntly I really really did not like this movie. Actually that’s not blunt enough, in all honesty this film was one of the worst pieces of cinema I’ve ever been subjected to and I’ve seen Norbit. Its utter Fuck wittery was nothing but endless bad acting and shoddy dialogue that made me want to yell at the cinema screen, which I would have done had my friend not wanted to genuinely see the film. My one piece of advice is do not see this film, honestly you are not missing out. If someone tells you it is good harmless fun, they are lying if you are honestly interested in seeing a good film then believe me this movie is not for you. However if you are a person who enjoys watching something your 7 year old brother couldn’t have written during the adverts for SpongeBob, then fill your boots.
My rating of this film comes in at a rather terrible 2/10. One point for Mickey Rourke’s appearance and one point for the fact that Stallone actually bothered.
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